This is all Ed Miliband’s fault

I’d look sad too if I were you, mate.

Catastrophe is upon us.


Donald Trump.

The Decline of Western Civilisation.

Smug? Complacent? Moi?

There’s a lot of blame to go around.

David Cameron’s smug complacency in calling an EU referendum he didn’t think he’d have to hold, and was sure he couldn’t lose.

Hillary Clinton’s smug complacency in using private email for Government business, for not listening to her campaign, and for generally being smug and complacent.

Donald Trump’s smug complacency that people would think his shameless hucksterism was an actual presidential campaign.


Bring me the goat

Identifying smug complacency all around doesn’t really cut it — there’s no fun in despising an attitude.

And spreading responsibility, well, it’s not very satisfying.

It doesn’t feel good.

You want it to be some one person’s fault — there needs to be someone to blame.

A perfectly understandable human urge.

And one with an impeccable historical pedigree — scapegoats didn’t get where they are today without focussing the collective angst of a community in a cathartic vehicle for vent and vituperation.

Well — I’m here to help, because I can tell you whose fault this is.

I can explain who’s to blame.

Ed Miliband.

This is all Ed Milband’s fault.

Say wha?

“Ed Miliband?”

“Yes, I do recall the chap — looked like Beaker from the Muppets, lost an election, got mistaken for that Liberal Leader guy whose name I’ve forgotten who also lost an election. Him?”

Which one is Ed Miliband again?

“That guy did nothing — how is this all his fault?”

Let me enlighten you dear reader.

From the moment he decided to step into the political big time, Ed Miliband was a cumulative catastrophe, a snowballing avalanche of political calamity, destroying everything he touched, creating immense collateral damage as he went, and unleashing forces he couldn’t control — the repercussions of which will reverberate for generations.

Big claims.

And true.

Just watch.

Ed Miliband knifes his brother to become Labour Leader

25 September 2010

Gordon Brown loses the 2010 election and resigns.

David Miliband — ex-Foreign Secretary, young, photogenic, and competent — is favourite to replace him.

This guy looks like he knows what he’s doing.

David spent the whole summer walking his younger brother Ed through his plan to become leader, outlining how he’d run his campaign and what he’d do when elected.

At the last minute, Ed — less talented, less photogenic, less accomplished, but now in possession of his brother’s election playbook— turns around, betrays his brother’s trust, and says he’s running too.

This guy is a walking meme-machine.

The Labour leader is elected by Party Members, MPs, and Union Members.

David wins Party Members and MPs.

Ed wins Union Members — and edges the total vote by 1 percentage point.

You can watch David Miliband have his life’s work taken away from him by his faithless younger brother here:

You’ve got to hand it to David — he kept it together much better than most of us would.

David Miliband quits UK politics to run the International Rescue Committee in New York.

Ed Miliband goes on to run the Labour Party.

Ed Miliband panics about UK military action in Syria, turns and runs

29 August 2013

On 21 August 2013 Syria uses chemical weapons against its own citizens killing hundreds, including scores of children.

This image is horrible — I apologise for it—but this, and many more like it, are a result of a war that should have been ended long ago.

This is Barack Obama’s red line in Syria.

He seeks the assistance of France and the UK for punitive strikes against the Syrian regime.

France’s President Hollande asserts that “France is ready to punish those who took the heinous decision to gas innocents”.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron seeks Miliband’s support for action alongside France and the US, and works assiduously to address Miliband’s concerns, giving him concessions to pacify Labour MPs.

Despite his agreement to support Cameron in the UK’s action, Miliband is scared of a back bench revolt, and, on the morning of the vote, despite all the concessions Cameron has made for him, backs out.

The camera angles in Parliament are not that flattering. But nothing could flatter the moral cowardice of Miliband’s backing out.

Cameron loses the vote, letting down an ally, giving pause to Obama, who turns to Congress, who studiously looks the other way.

The West stays out of the Syrian Civil War, ISIS gains a foothold in the country, Russia supports Assad, the Civil War extends indefinitely, increasing in brutality and generating the largest refugee crisis since World War II.

(It’s not just me that thinks that this one is on Ed.)

Ed Miliband changes the way Labour elects its Leader

1 March 2014

And what a plan it was.

Miliband introduces a “One Member, One Vote” system for Labour leader.

This severed the traditional link with the Unions, meant that MPs had little sway over the selection of their own leader, and gave direct control to the membership of the party.

At the time, Union Leaders wailed and gnashed their teeth that their influence over the party would be significantly curtailed.

But they were crocodile tears — Len McClusky had a plan.

Becoming a Union Affiliate member of the Labour Party was easy — all it took was opting in and paying a £3 affiliate fee.

And anyone at all can vote for a £3 registered supporter fee.

The Labour Party was now open to a large-scale take-over attempt — get enough people to join, and you can select whoever you like as leader — and Len did exactly that.

Ed Miliband loses the general election

7 May 2015

Bye! Sorry ’bout that!

Ed Miliband’s performance in the General Election is catastrophic — Labour loses seats against an unpopular coalition Government.

David Cameron never expected to win the election — he didn’t count on the incredibly poor impression Miliband made on the voters — they just did not think he was up to the job.

Cameron is now committed to a manifesto pledge to have a referendum on leaving the EU — a pledge he never expected he’d have to deliver on.

Miliband resigns the day after the defeat — triggering a leadership election.

Jeremy Corbyn becomes Labour leader

12 September 2015

The R.S.D.L.P. Central Committee called, they want their comrade back.

Union members now make up a huge proportion of the Labour party membership, and thousands more hard left-wingers join the party by paying the £3 registered supporter fee.

Corbyn wins in a landslide — a major UK political party has been taken over by a what appears to be Maoist geography teacher who has somehow escaped from the 1970s.

The UK votes to leave the EU.

23 June 2016

Words cannot express my contempt for this man, and the damage he has done the United Kingdom.

Nigel Farage stands in front of a poster of refugees fleeing the Syrian Civil War, which has now been going on for four years.

The poster is a lie — it has nothing to do with Britain’s borders, or EU immigrants to the UK — but it speaks to people’s fears of terrorism and unchecked immigration.

Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour party, is completely absent from the political scene.

When he does appear, he says next to nothing about the referendum and what he does say is mealy-mouthed, warmed-over nothing — because he’s been anti-EU his whole life.

Just days before the vote, half of Labour voters have no idea what Labour’s view on the referendum is.

The UK votes to leave the EU 52% to 48%.

Donald Trump is elected US President.

9 November 2016

No ISIS, no “Radical Islamic Terrorist threat”.

No Syrian Refugee Crisis, no “Muslim Ban”.

No “Take Back Control”, no “America First”.

No Brexit, no “Make America Great Again”.

All of which is enough to turn 27,000 votes in Wisconsin, 11,000 in Michigan, 68,000 in Pennsylvania.

And that’s the Electoral College.

And the Presidency.

I flat refuse to post a picture of Donald Trump.

This is all Ed Miliband’s fault.

  • The on-going Syrian Civil War.
  • The unchecked rise of ISIS.
  • Labour losing the 2015 General Election.
  • Jeremy Corbyn.
  • The EU Referendum.
  • Brexit.
  • Donald Trump.

These are all Ed Miliband’s fault.

What next?

  • The break-up of the UK?
  • The break-up of NATO?
  • War in the Korean Peninsula?
  • War against Iran?
  • Unchecked climate change?
  • Another financial crisis?
  • A Russian attack on Baltics, crushing the British Army contingent recently deployed there?
  • All of above? All at the same time?

Whatever happens next — and it won’t be good — you can be sure of one thing: it will be Ed Miliband’s fault.

Ed Miliband was perhaps the most consequential inconsequentiality in British Political History.

He was bad at everything he did, and made everything he touched worse.

If he’d kept out of the way of his more accomplished, more competent, better looking and more talented brother, none of this would have happened.

Did he mean to do all of this?

Of course not.

The drunk driver doesn’t mean to get in a car crash.

But that’s no excuse.

In the days to come, and they will be dark and many, you know who to blame.

Feel better?

Nope, didn’t think so.

Me either.