Human Being (Culturally Modern edition) Operating Instructions

4 min readJul 17, 2018

Thank you for purchasing a Human Being (Culturally Modern edition), or ‘Human’. These instructions tell you how to keep your Human in good working order. Please keep for reference.

The Culturally Modern edition is our latest Human model and has been the pride of the animal kingdom for 50 000 years. The underlying design is constantly being updated in thousands of tiny ways — ask your Human about ‘beneficial mutations’ for details!

Your Human comes fitted many high-definition sensors, a processor of immense complexity, and four general-purpose limbs — which can benefit from a wide range of accessories and cosmetic items. You will be amazed what it can achieve!

Basic care for your Human

Your Human needs regular intake of oxygen gas, occasional input of carbohydrates, proteins, lipids, vitamins and minerals, and plenty of water. Normal Human rest cycle is approximately 9 hours in 24. Your Human can exist on less than this but operating quality may vary.

  • Do not obstruct vents.
  • Do not destroy by fire.
  • Do not expose to electrical currents greater than 0.1 amps.
  • Keep within a pressure range of 0.5–9.0 atmospheres.
  • Peak operating temperature: -5 to +30 ℃

Your Human is ‘alive’, which means it: Moves! Reproduces! Has a sensory system! Grows! Extracts energy from glucose! Excretes! Eats! Controls its internal conditions!

The Cell

Humans are built on a subunit called the ‘cell’ — a tiny, self-contained module that benefits from 2 billion years of development. Useful molecules can move in to these cells, and waste molecules can move out — with no energy consumed. A powered system is also fitted for movement of molecules in special conditions. There is no direction of molecule that the cell cannot achieve!

(The Power User may want to acquaint themselves with ‘enzymes’: worker molecules that can build specific structures, or break down specific large molecules into smaller ones. There is a different enzyme class for each job, and each must be kept in a narrow range of temperature and pH for them to work. Don’t worry — your Human normally takes care of this by itself.)


Humans come equipped with a food processing facility that isolates molecules from your Human’s food load. All available molecules of the correct type will be claimed. Food type ‘cellulose’ will not be absorbed but is important for the smooth running of this system. Unclaimed food is ejected once or twice a day.


A liquid medium supplies all Human circuits and organs with food and gas molecules, a rudimentary messaging system and heat. It also takes away waste. This medium is called ‘blood’ and is continuously pumped around a series of pipes. In the event of a leak of this fluid, raise the affected area and apply pressure. Large leaks should be referred immediately to a specialist Human Engineer.


If other living things attack your Human it is able to fight back and repair itself of most or all damage inflicted. This is true for all sizes of aggressors — from angry cats to microscopic viruses and bugs. Your Human’s anti-virus program takes the form of a collection of specialised blood cells that coordinate to identify, mark and destroy foreign particles.

The Kidney

Your Human is fitted with a high-pressure filtration system for removing waste, water and glucose. Glucose is returned immediately and water is returned based on the Human’s water requirement at that time. If your Human is releasing orange liquid, be sure to top it up with water.

The Eye

If you own one of our DSLR cameras you will be familiar with basic functions of the Human eye. The Human iris adjusts brightness in the same way as the iris in your camera. The cornea and lens focus in a similar way to your camera lens; the only difference is the Human lens flexes to sharpen the image, it doesn’t move in and out. The sensor mixes two film speeds: slow, colour for day and fast, greyscale at night. Focal length is approximately 50 mm. There is no zoom.


If you are happy with your Human you will be pleased to know it can create another one at no extra cost! All Humans come equipped with self-replication units — distributed into two discrete modules: ‘male’ and ‘female’. Note: Your Human has only one module type.If your Human desires to replicate it must find another Human with the opposite module.

Typical reproduction procedure is as follows. The male inserts a delivery tube into a port in the female and delivers a packet of code-carrying cells. (Both Humans must agree to this act and all acts leading up to this point!) One male cell fuses with the female code-carrying cell, and instructions for your new Human are complete. The tiny new Human will extract all nutrients it needs from a connection in the female incubator called the ‘placenta’. Your new Human should be ready in about nine months.

We hope you enjoy your Human Being (Culturally Modern edition) — the best organism on the market! With good care and a little luck it may last as long as 100 years. There is no warranty or returns.

In the interest of diversity and healthy competition please use your Human to respect other organisms.