good morning to everyone

I woke up feeling really guilty.

Guilt I haven’t felt in a long time. Kirk’s away. I haven’t been taking care of myself.

Last night while Woody was eating his midnight snack I helped myself to two Thin Mints that are supposed to be hiding on the top shelf of our pantry. That was two on top of the five I had earlier in the day sometime after lunch and before the dinner I didn’t really eat. I went to a meeting at the library for Understanding Immigration and had a turkey wrap — if you cold even call it that, it looked more like a quarter of a cinnamon roll — some popcorn, and a couple of carrots with a ranch dip.

The day before that I made Kathy pancakes out of two eggs and a banana. Mind you, I’ve decided I no longer eat eggs. But she was a guest and I was in a rush before work at 10. And these are technically Paleo pancakes — like actually the ingredients are Whole30 compliant even though we’re not doing the Whole30 anymore but that’s been my gauge ever since we finished. But the pizza we had for lunch definitely fucking wasn’t.

Whole30 is supposed to be the genie who grants you ***FoOd FrEeDoM***. Really, it’s just made me hyper-aware of how I used to feel when we were doing it and how I don’t feel that way anymore. And it’s really just made me hyper-aware of all the things I used to cook that I’m not cooking for myself right now. And now I’m hyper-aware of all the sugar and grain and egg and chemicals and death I’m shoving down my throat that I shouldn’t be eating but it tastes so good and “I’m on vacation!!”

No I’m not.

I’m not on vacation. And I know you’re thinking “OMG live a little” and yes you are partly right. Even Gwyneth gives herself a cheat day. But I’ve been giving myself ‘cheat’ weeks, ‘cheat’ excuses, ‘cheat’ lies: “I got this Sourdough bread from Sprouts that was fermented for 26 hours and only has 3-ingredients so yeah it’s grain but it’s better than that gluten-free bullshit with the sugar and the other words I can’t pronounce so I’ll just make myself one slice of this with some organic cashew butter for breakfast and it’ll be okay.” Right, Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Is it? Or is it just lazy?

Lazy like the clothes that are piling up in the chair in the corner of our bedroom? Lazy like the stretching I haven’t been doing at night before bed? Lazy like I also haven’t brushed my teeth the past two nights? Lazy like I told myself I was going to meditate every day while he was gone but I forgot this morning so I’ll start tomorrow? Lazy like I want to take Ukulele lessons but I haven’t even called that woman to make an appointment?

So I’m just sitting here, eating my toast, looking down on some rolled up socks on the floor. Metaphorically punching myself in the face wondering if there is some silver lining or cute line I can end with so this all seems Buddhist.

There’s not.

Hi Kirk :)