The Wall of Possibilities

This is my wall of possibilities. Daily, it is filling with quotes from great people and writers. It is filling with words from people of Planet Medium.

I don't think they know how important their words are to me. I now have them close to my heart, and my bed, as I've stuck their words on the wall right beside it, so I open my eyes to see them every morning and go to sleep reading them, or to turn my head to their side whenever I'm giving up on my studies or feeling insane.

But I'll tell you how important they are. Not just the words, but the people:

Last December, during final exams, I used up the last grain of energy I had left. I called up my family from hostel and told them "I want to come home. I have two days before this exam. I can't read. The words are jumbling up and everything in my vision sways. I need someone to read the text out to me. Or I'll fail."

My dad was on the line. I have never cried in front of my parents, even on the phone. That day was no different. As my dad told me I couldn't come home because I'll lose some prep time before the exam, I choked down a hiccup and tears burned down my face. I knew my voice would come out quivering so I didn't argue and listened to him, humming for a "yes".

I passed.

But I didn't go to college in January. Five weeks I spent in bed, either sleeping or crying. For one thing, they started classes only five days after the last exam. How much energy could I possibly recharge in that time? The past year had been an educational, emotional and psychological tempest for me. I had been experimenting with my abilities, and initiating the dig had been hard work, that did pay off, but left me constantly low-spirited. I needed a break, one not just spent at home, but in a changed atmosphere, somewhere quiet, somewhere green.

At the same time in January, I was still friendless, emotionally torn, even jealous. My parents didn’t know about my lack of energy/motivation or the reasons behind it. My heart squeeze-ached every time I cried. I know how I have prayed for myself to meet an accident, slip into a coma, or be diagnosed with something bad.

In February, I became tired of being tired all the time. I signed up for the yearbook team, thinking it might motivate me to attend college and utilize my evenings that I currently spent sobbing and counting my heart beats. I wanted to break free of these chains that restricted me from feeling healthy. So I acted the opposite of my condition in order to start becoming it as well. I went out excessively, to stroll or to shop, expanded my social network and smiled at everyone, jammed with another girl who sings too, ate double, laughed double, popped a double dose of my vitamins, mingled at get togethers and paid for all the food. I literally did not see my room for two months as I was always out. I started feeling high without the drugs. It was much better than feeling pain. Those who knew my reserved nature were surprised. I became a gossip but didn’t care. I just wanted to feel good. After all, it distracted me from my thoughts.

At the end, I was broke with an upset digestion, head spinning, and still bad grades.

In the next months, I was much worse. I had delayed shifting to my new room, did not have it painted, did not have it furnished, did not even arrange proper lighting. I got into a fight with the electrician over a tube light, and since then he has refused to repair anything in my room. The lifters refused to transport my luggage from my old room and I realized I didn’t even have the strength left to do it myself. My legs trembled as I walked and I had to sit down frequently to catch my breath. Still, hibernating for another two weeks I recharged some energy and got about to shift into my room. Then I let go of my high-self and drowned once more in the waves of low spirits.

It kept worsening. By May, I used to wake up in my sleep to open the windows as I always felt there wasn’t enough oxygen. I would go out and there still wasn’t enough oxygen. I dropped out of the yearbook team. Now owning a private room (thankfully) I could freely wail as I cried in bed, wiping my face with the pillow, kicking at the wall and throwing things. I even tried to sleep the exhaustion out. My activity was reduced to literally basal. I thought it was anaemia, but my blood was fine. My basics were fine. I was fine.

No, I was not. I was facing burnout. You can’t have it tested in blood. They failed to see it. My teachers told me that because I’m irregular I’m lazy and pathetic. My peers decided to believe the teachers and reminded me I’m a failure with every opportunity they had. I lost my respect in their eyes. Before, I used to get top marks in the ward. They used to try to push me down then too, but I had the energy to resist. Now I gave up and believed them. My parents believed I’m lazy too. My dad was disappointed at my short memory and lack of critical thinking. I couldn’t even diagnose simple cases. Not being able to retain new knowledge is one thing. Forgetting the most basic things that were just a few months ago on your fingertips, and had been for the last four years, is genuinely alarming. That’s when I decided that I cannot do it this year. With so many voices telling me I’m going to be a failure, I was so convinced I will not pass that I stopped working towards my goal.

Finally, I wrote it down.

Elliot Nichols So much respect for attending to my screaming. For the help. For providing an emotional connection through so many people. I think, with the unnecessary weight I’m carrying, I needed that many people to pick me up. Thanks for calling a caring community.

Mark H and Ronald Flores-Gunkle. thank you both of you for writing about your own experiences. Reading about similar inner struggles with happy endings gives hope about the future.

Yes Mark, it is little by little that we move towards our goals. I forgot that because I started comparing my progress to those around me, I subconsciously created rivalries in my head that rattled in my mind when I tried to study. Everyday, I wasted so much time comparing that I didn't even move an inch from where I was yesterday. Thank you for the reminder.

Yes Ronald, as your wife said, life is short. I can't waste it staying under pressure. It's a load I don't need. It's a burden I must release. To move forwards. To catch all the time that I still have before exams. What the consequences are going to be, I can only give my best shot and wait and see. And who knows they might be good! Even if they are not, I at least will have tried. Better than not giving a shot in the the first place. There's always room to improve.

Wild Flower , you are right when you say "one day you will be looking at this, remembering your strength". I almost forgot that. Thank you for sending me wishes. Thank you for screaming with me.

Tremaine L. Loadholt thanks for the tissue! A cozy place in my heart for you in return. Also, are you a hugger? *hugs*

Orisirisi I’m so glad you mentioned what you did in the brackets! I keep forgetting they must be strict, or I’ll never learn to drive myself through my future struggles that I must face without them. Can’t grow skin thick enough if we’re slack, can we?

Susan Christiana Alexainie guys you’re right. Parents in the end are forgiving. This reminder gives me comfort that even if I do not make it the first time, they will catch me and be my pillars.

Judy Ann Giorchino you picked me up with a reflection of the simplest of nature’s miracles. With the facts we always overlook. Yes, I will bloom again. A cactus is designed for surviving in the most challanging conditions. Thank you for sparing your time for me.

Marya and @judy mckormic Gemma Kennedy and @David mcLean thank you for your kind words. Yes I’ll be strong. That’s what life is about. Breaking and building, breaking and building again.

A McEnnis I’ll definitely do just that! Keep walking. As Danna Colman said, you are definitely a brilliant miracle. In our culture, a saying goes "Nature puts only as much burden on your shoulders as you can bear". I think it is nature’s rather harsh way of polishing us, of driving our attention to the stronger parts of us we didn’t know exist. You are very strong. I have decided to be just like you: persistent and passionate about what I’m doing.

Barbara Alexander your words felt warm like my own mother just spoke to me. Your words are on my wall and I promise I will get through this and get the perfect job that I will love. Here’s the thing though, I really want you to stick around so when I have the money to have my own house/apartment, we can get together for dinner! I’d love to cook!

Benjamin Sulle thank you for the wishes and prayers. I want you to know that I have acquired new energy through the love sent my way by so many beautiful people here on Medium. I shall pass. I shall definitely pass. I’m working on it. I’m scheduling. I’m preparing for what’s to come.

Carol Larochelle I am now focusing at the big picture. Yes, still when I’m pushed down by my peers, I do feel demotivated. But I’m trying to minimize their effect on me. I’m trying to convince myself that a constant kind of behaviour from people should physiologically cause habituation. Hence I’m trying to accept that how they’re treating me is just the way they are. And who they are does not personally concern me, so I must stop wasting my fucks on that. I must give a fuck to my books though, they’re horny and deprived of attention. Page by page, now, I’m satisfying them.

INERTIA4 yes, hatred is the part of the game. I must tolerate being spat at, I must tolerate being kicked down and picked on my flaws. How did I forget that it’s always going to be dirty politics at work? After all, everyone’s going through the same shit, milder or worse. I must be stronger than this. I must keep track of my goals. I won’t let their attitude control my performance.

@jacqueline loiacono Reading stories here I have realized my pressures aren’t even half as much as others lives have been, and what beautiful people they have blossomed into! Struggles will always be followed by a spring. And in the wait of that I must continue to push myself.

It really is such a comfort to know that we are not alone in how we feel, as Benjamin Sulle said. It also makes my problems look tiny and frail. All these words break the Wall of Impossibility, which prevented me from looking at so many ways in which I can handle my problems. I could only see failure, and worse than that, I wanted to fail. Not now, though. Not after so much motivation. Not after so much convincing that academic pressure and peer pressure must be ignored and goals must be put into focus. Not after knowing that there are bigger struggles. I have decided that this one I will smack in the face in one blow.

I must add though, that it is embarrassing to have written so bluntly an end that gives a negative message. I don't intend to act accordingly at all. But it was important for me to have written it in order to get it out of me. The feeling that life must end is temporary. We feel like that in the worst of times, but we ultimately survive it. We always do.