Fear of judgement: Things we are ‘ashamed’ of doing, being & admitting.

You. Yes you. You can’t look me in the eyes and say that you haven’t done some stupid or embarrassing stuff in your life. You’ve done it. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. Each and everyone of us has their own share of vices and secrets. Things we don’t like to share with others, fearing the brooding scythe of judgement and social alienation.

Forget the past. There maybe things you want to do in the future that go against the general norms of wherever you reside. In your subconscious you already know the importance of whatever it is you want to do. Maybe you’ve been brought up conservative and oppressed. Maybe you fear the shunning of society. There are infinite reasons why you are afraid to act on it. Not based on an objective self perceiving fear, but because of a relativistic standard set by someone else.

I am here to tell you how trivial some of your secrets are and why you shouldn’t be hiding them in the deep dungeons of your heart. Unless you are a serial killer. Because your ass is going to jail then. Can’t help :P.

In what proceeds, you will learn to accept a lot about yourself. Things we shouldn’t be afraid of admitting and things we shouldn’t feel weird about or be forced into doing. Please note though, this is written purely on the basis of my experiences in my country; India.

Let’s start with the cliche of “How you are supposed to behave”. As an Indian boy, you are supposed to be ‘adarsh’ in every aspect. The rate of adarshness is directly proportional to your chances of becoming a “bhola bhala jamai(bbj)”, and inversely proportional to you ever enjoying life(el).

Basically, d/dx(adarsh(x))= k.bbj=3.142.h.(1/el)

{where ‘k’ is kunwara constant whose value depends on your degree, salary and the number of flats you own in Pune; h is not Planck’s constant, it stands for degree of ‘homemaking traits’, and I just added the value of pi (3.142) for fun :D.}

If you think boys in India have it rough, don’t even get me started on the misery of Indian girls. They are the slaves of society, expected to master everything; from academics to kitchen handling; all in pursuit of the “sanskaari bahu” award, finally succumbing to become just another baby vending machine.

If you are stuck in any of the above situations, I genuinely feel sad for you. All I can say is try to find a means of escape if you aren’t happy with what you have.

But if you are young like me and haven’t really faced such a thing, I want you to know you have an option. Just choose to ignore all the bull crap about what other people expect of you. Yes, your parents will want you to act according to societal guidelines, because in India most of us are just trophies to our parents. Trophies to be displayed on their resume of life, only to be bragged about later at parties. Society will also ask you to behave according to their ‘pre-established-oh-so-holy’ guidelines. All I want to say is act and behave however you feel like, as long as you don’t cause others inconvenience. Because at the end of the day, people who truly love you will stick by you for your genuine self.

Next up, “Relationships”. People in India still can’t accept a girl and boy liking each other without marrying. Although times are changing, this is still the dominant mentality. They judge people who get into relationships and they judge people who prefer to stay alone. They judge you if you are not a virgin and they judge you if you prefer celibacy. There is no perfect in their eyes. They just need something to bitch about and gossip in their own worthless lives. And you know the thing about such judgemental people? They aren’t concerned about you or your well being. They are envious. Envious of something that they don’t have. And deep down, filled with regret for the chances they have missed. Remember the bedtime story of the fox who thought the grapes at the top of the tree were sour just because he couldn’t pluck them? That’s exactly the case here.

In India, you are expected to justify your love by signing on a few legal documents and taking part in a ridiculous ritual ceremony; where you are expected to dress like it’s a fancy dress party and entertain pretentious douchebag guests; who are only there for the free “butter chicken”. You may have virtually no chemistry or love with your partner but doing the above mentioned things suddenly makes you ‘soulmates’. So simple !!! I mean even a “Benzene ring substitution reaction” is more complex than becoming ’soulmates’ in India. At least the free radical or ion thinks ‘ortho-para-meta’ before diving in :P !!! God damn C6H6 !!

Then there are the conservatives who judge people in live-in relationships. I mean seriously!! What’s your problem?? If two souls like each other and choose to live together, why does the stinky boil in your ass crack start itching? Here’s what my subjective opinion is about marriages in India. It’s just your license to have sex. That’s it. Almost the entire population bases it on this very aspect. They don’t care to know about the other person or even just plain care about them. Its just two people signing a document to fulfill their reproductory and monetary needs. And people can’t get over the fact of two people liking each other and having sex without their written permission on a piece of paper. Personally, I think I would prefer to be in a healthy live-in than a purely gain based marriage. And I think everyone who reads this will agree.

So, stop caring about what others think about what happens between you and the person you like or love. As long as both of you are happy with each other; age, race, country, money etc doesn’t matter. Even planet doesn’t, if you are feeling a bit Star Trekky :P .

Moving on.

“Sex”. Yes, I can feel you shifting in your chair, getting all uncomfortable. I might not know anything about you, but I can say this with confidence; you like sex. Let me rephrase; you loooooove sex!! Gay or straight, male or female. It’s coded in our DNA by evolution. Fact attack- An average male thinks about sex every 7 seconds and an average female every 11 seconds. But we Indians are hypocritical assholes. We shame people for acting out on their basic animalistic urges. Yet our country has the second largest population, despite being so sexually oppressed. That’s a serious amount of unprotected sex. Isn’t it ironic that we are the land of kamasutra and are still awkward about sex. So stop acting like a 5 year old child who hasn’t grown any pubic hair on his/her genitals. Stop acting all “innocent” and oblivious about it. It’s a perfectly normal process, as long as it’s practiced safely and with consent. There’s nothing wrong with having such urges. The only wrong thing is trying to suppress it; which results in all kinds of frustrations and social evils. In India, people are disgusted when they hear about pre-marital sex, yet don’t bat an eye when they are asked to have sex with complete strangers on their first nights; courtesy of ‘arrange marriages’. We like to express disgust when someone is open about such things, yet in private we envy them. So, go ahead. Don’t try to be all shy and innocent about sex and related topics. Because everyone thinks of it.

Since we are at the topic of sex, here’s another. “Pornography and masturbation”. Ohh don’t you deny!!! I know you watch porn and masturbate; mutually inclusively or exclusively. At least men are upfront about this. What’s that you say?? You are a girl and don’t do such ‘vile’ things? Yeah; stop lying. I have statistical evidence lady!! A whopping 94% of Indian males and 81 % of Indian females above the age of 18 with access to internet watch porn. And a greater percentage of them masturbate. I know you have sexual fantasies about your celebrity crush ;). Ohh admit it already you “innocent” people!! I will be honest, I have fantasies about Candice Swanepoel. And girls, don’t tell me you haven’t thought of Ryan Gosling even once :P. I swear I would have had I been gay!! But this is India, where self pleasure is morally unethical and culturally offensive. The very ‘guardians of our culture’ who oppose self pleasure; are the very ones molesting and raping people in the alleys as dark as their thinking. So yeah, pick a time and private place, open a website or read an erotica and just go to town on yourself ;). And the next time someone asks you about it, don’t be ashamed, because guess what; the other person does it too. They are just too chicken to admit it.

“Education and career”. Yes, yes I get it. You are pursuing ‘MBA’. Cool. But seriously, stop shoving it on everyone’s face. Not everyone’s interested in it. And because of you, mere mortals like me get pressurized into going for higher education, even though most of us are just fed up with it. Look, I’m not judging anyone for pursuing higher education. It’s personal choice. I don’t like being an ID card leashed dog for a big corporation. I like a place where I enjoy working and can come in wearing my boxers if I want to. I am interested in my own startup and I know many of you out there are. So just stop worrying about what Sharmaji would think if you don’t pursue MBA, what Guptaji would think if you don’t go for MS like his son(the one he keeps bragging about every 5 seconds :P. “Mera beta US mein hai”). Stop idolizing that mindless rote learner from your childhood, who used to even remember the exact number of times Gandhiji pissed during the Dandi march. He probably works for tech supportin TCs now; fantasizing about Gandhiji. Stop comparing how much you earn with how much your friends earn. All it leads to is unhappiness and frustration.

“Physical beauty”. I know most of us are not Hrithiks and Katrinas. I mean I look like a potato. Some of you must be brinjals. A few bhindis too. Onions, cauliflowers, tomatoes; we are basically just a Monday market. Maybe sometimes bhindis start liking cauliflowers, onions start liking brinjals and potatoes start liking tomatoes. Ok this analogy is going nowhere. :P

Point is, stop giving a shit about other’s opinions on what you look like. Don’t buy into the skin colour fads and other bullshit. Try to stay healthy and fit and focus on better parts of your character. Just be carefree and confident; and that makes up for a hell lot of sexy.

Finally, don’t ever be afraid of admitting something that is not objectively wrong. Try to be open and honest about things you do and believe in. Don’t be shied out by other’s opinions. People will judge you no matter how much you try to please them. Trust me, normality and social etiquettes are waaaaaay over rated. Nobody cares about what you do, other than a few close ones. People may talk for a day, a month or an year, but eventually they get sucked into their own problems. I have faced a lot of criticism for the decisions I take and being honest and open about things; but guess what, I’m much happier now.

Just remember, when you are at your deathbed, don’t regret the chances you didn’t take only because you feared social opinion. Don’t let your last words be “Oh why didn’t I…”.

Be weird or be normal; just be fearless and happy.

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