High Pothead and the quest for the elusive weed: Part 1 (The Fellowship of the weed)
Back story- Harry Potter, the boy who gets high, is in his third year at Hogwarts. It’s been 12 years since Voldemort died from an overdose of Russian heroin at a pureblood rave party. Dumbledore has stopped smoking since that one time his beard caught fire. He only does intravenous now. Snape has finally shampooed his hair, he proudly sports an afro of late. The half blood prince is now the first wizard rapper, on his way to challenging “that muggle Eminem”. Hermione is now a classic case of teen pregnancy. Evidently, Ron couldn’t keep it in his pants. Also, nobody gives a shit about the deathly hallows.
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Another lovely day at Hogwarts. Students getting high. Teen witches obsessed with “50 shades of grey” and muggle money. The elves getting all emotional while watching “12 years a slave” for the 49765th time. The live paintings organising another protest on “Photoshop: A muggle curse”. Weed fumes are in the air. Just another normal day.
But, something’s different today. The teachers have finally gotten off Netflix and assembled in the Headmaster’s office. Well, that is after they finished watching season 5 of “Suits”.
Dumbledore: Good morning everyone. TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!!!
Mcgonagall: Good morning Headmaster. Why have you assembled us here?
Dumbledore: These are grave times Minerva. Where is Snape? TEN MORE POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR !!!
Flitwick: He is rehearsing for his upcoming rap single “Bitches love my potion making”.
Dumbledore: Good. I will meet him personally then. Because honestly, I don’t give a shit about any of my colleagues other than Snape. FIFTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR !!!!!
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Severus Snape. The sole rapper in the wizarding world. His first song “Sectumsempra in your bra” was a billboard buster, though rumours suggest he just used an imperius curse on the entire muggle population to make them like his song. His hatred for Eminem became clear in his next song “Rap fraud”, where he calls Eminem “uglier than the love child of a dementor and James Potter” which also reinforces his disgust for James Potter. He still has the hots for Lily Potter, even after she died from drug overdose 12 years ago. Places Severus has been to — Hogwarts, friendzone and “not inside Lily’s pants”.
Dumbledore: Severus, did you finish the job?
Snape: Yo dawg ! I nailed that task like I nail my bitches!!
Dumbledore: OK Severus. Firstly, get out of your rap alter ego and secondly, you are still a 40 year old virgin.
Snape(*sadly*): Sorry Professor. But yes, I found him.
Dumbledore: Where is he?
Snape: In a trailer parked in the quidditch pitch. He’s making the magical meth you ordered. His name’s White. Walter White.
…………………….Meanwhile in muggle news ……………………..
Random Muggle News Reader: Chart busting rapper Severus Snape, also known by his stage name as “Snapedawg” , released two songs today both of which broke records. The first song “Something slytherin in mah pants” features his new stage partner Draco Malfoy. The second song “Notice me senpai: Ode to Lily” is a soft song about a girl named Lily, filled with random abuses about the still unidentified James Potter.
In other news, drug lord Walter White is still missing since his escape from Guantanamo bay. Security footage shows him being flown out of the prison on what experts are calling an UFB- Unidentified Flying Broomstick.
In tech, Larry Page steps down as CEO of Google. Sundar Pichai, the new CEO has been accused of brainwashing Page. Google employee witnesses suggest they have seen Pichai waving something “stick like” over Page’s head on several occasions, one of those occassions being when the company decided to build the Google glass. A similar accusation had been made on Bill Gate’s secretary back when Microsoft released Zune. Either voodoo or vodka is clearly in the air in these tech firms.
That’s all in the news today. Stay tuned for some random pseudoscience in the next segment.
- * ‘Something slytherin in mah pants- Snapedawg ft. Malfoy’ plays in the background.
…………………………….Back in the wizarding world…………………………….
“You’re an addict Harry.” said Hagrid, chewing the last remains of the dragon egg omelet he had just made. Hard luck for magical reptiles.
“And you are a case of testosterone and gigantism gone wild.” coughed Harry.
“Pass the joint bro.” chimed Ron.
Aaaah. The great Harry Potter. The boy who lived, only to get high. Legend says Voldemort tried to overdose Harry’s family when he was a toddler, but Harry took it like a man, though the same couldn’t be said about his father; James Potter. That dude was a pussy, coincidentally what ‘Snapedawg’ actually calls him in his song “I like big cauldrons and I cannot lie”. Harry’s mother survived the high; and ran off with Voldemort, leaving Harry to rot. A month later, Lily and Voldemort died tragically from a drug overdose at a pureblood rave party; ironically where nobody bothered to check Lily’s blood status.
Then there’s Ronald Weasley, Harry’s only friend. Ron was born to Arthur and Molly Weasley; a couple who by the way are still unaware of birth control. Ron has six siblings(that is a looooot of unprotected sex), which basically means he doesn’t even get a galleon in his parent’s will. Frustrated with these thoughts, he joins Harry everyday in their regular drug sessions, secretly hoping that Harry would take care of his 4o year old unemployed self in the future. Oh, and Harry has a lot of money. Like a shitload. Like so much that this one time Smaug the dragon called him to invest in his mountain.
And then there’s Hermione Granger, the genius who got knocked up by Ron Weasley. That’s what happens when you teach “Divinity” instead of sex education. Long story short, she’s about to populate earth with another dumb Weasley in the next 3 months.
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“We are lost” said the Dwarf.
“Damn you Apple maps!!!!” exclaimed the frustrated wizard.
“I told you, we should have bought Android. Pichai was ready to provide it for free.” said the commander.
And there he was suddenly. Apparated out of thin air. The walking talking pharmacy from the wizarding world. The ‘high’ Headmaster. Dumbledore had just appeared before them.
“Good afternoon Gandalf!! Looks like you and your friends are lost.” said Dumbledore.
The wizard with the staff and the shitty iphone looked up. He recognized those red eyes and punctured veins. This indeed was Dumbledore. And he was high as fuck.
“Yes Professor. We are lost. But now that you are here, you can escort us back to Hogwarts.” said Gandalf.
“In a minute white wizard. After you explain who your companions are. Let’s start with the dwarf. He looks like a distant cousin of Flitwick.”
“This is..” started Gandalf.
“I am Tyrion Lannister. I am here to advise you on your mission. Gandalf came straight to me when you mentioned the gravity of the situation. Getting high and drinking wine is my speciality.” said the dwarf.
“I see” said Dumbledore, popping another qualude into his mouth.” And who are you?”
“I am Jon Snow, lord commander of the nigh…”
“Aaah, I have heard a lot about you. People say you know nothing.” said Dumbledore coolly.
“All right gentlemen, I hope Gandalf has briefed you about the quest. Let’s go back to Hogwarts. You have a lot of people to meet. And a lot of drugs to take.”
The four of them apparated in fr0nt of the Hogwarts castle.
“And so the Fellowship of the weed begins…” whispered Dumbledore to himself, rubbing off the cocaine from his nose.
TO BE CONTINUED ………
Author’s note- Hope you enjoyed the story :) !!! This is just a fan fiction story and is in no way meant to hurt the sentiments of the writer or insult the series. I am a huge Potterhead myself and my childhood wouldn’t have been so awesome without Harry Potter. Next part coming soon. Also, a big shout out and thank you to Suraj Subraveti for providing some of the ideas.
