High Pothead and the quest for the elusive weed: Part 2 (You’re a Jedi Pichai)

Pollution was in the air. The quidditch pitch was a mess. Empty packs of toxic Acetone and Lithium were strewn about the field. Which only meant one thing. Walter White was at work.

Four figures walked across the ground towards the solo parked trailer. The two wizards discussed about the latest updates to the app “Wizbook: A handy guide”.

Gandalf: I told you, the UI is better on ios.

Dumbledore: But I have material design. You have an overpriced piece of garbage.

Tyrion: All right guys, cool it. Stop acting like a bunch of high school geeks and start acting like the bearded gay crusty old wizards you are.

Jon Snow: What’s ios? Is it another white walker warchief? Because I wi…

Tyrion *shaking his head* : You know nothing Jon Snow.

They reached the trailer. Dumbledore knocks the door. The door opens.

Dumbledore: Walter!! Meet…

Walter: How many times do I have to ask you not to knock ? I am the one who knocks, Dumbledore!! I am the one who knocks !!!

Dumbledore: Jeez dude!! Be a little thankful. I was the one who asked Victor Krum to break you out of prison.

Walter: And he came in an outdated crappy Nimbus 2000. I specifically asked for a firebolt beardo. Firebolt !!

Dumbledore: Dude you need to chill!! Here, have some qualudes to ease your nerves.

Walter *popping a qualude* : I’m sorry man. It’s been a bit hectic manufacturing all this meth on my own. Speaking of which, where the hell is Jesse Pinkman? I remember asking for him in my contract.

Dumbledore: There’s been a slight complication. He died on his way to Hogwarts. I’m sorry Walter.

Walter *in shock*: Whaaaaat !!! How did that happen ?

Dumbledore: I sent Hagrid on his flying motorcycle to break him free. He pissed off Hagrid mid air with his excessive usage of ‘bitch’ in a sentence. So Hagrid threw him out.

Walter: What am I going to do Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: It’s simple, pop some more qualudes, have a few puffs of Professor Sprout’s special weed and when you are done, we can talk about the quest. But firstly, have you met these guys?

Walter: I know everything Dumbledore. That’s Gandalf the white, Tyrion Lannister and…oh boy, the man dumbo himself, Jon Snow.

Jon Snow*picking up a bottle of chemical*: For the record, I killed a white walker. That counts as something. Anyways, what kind of sorcery is this bottle of H2SO4?

Walter*shaking his head*: You know nothing Jon snow.

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Harry and Ron were finally back from their high sessions at Hagrid’s hut. They had somehow made it to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room even after downing 2 packets of Walter’s blue meth.

“Password?” asked the Fat lady in the painting.

“EA sports, it’s in the game!!” replied Harry.

“You may pass.” said the Fat lady and the door opened.

The Gryffindor common room. A shady place where you could get mugged even for owning cum stained underwear. The Gryffindor students were the poorest among all(except Harry, that dude once smoked weed with Warren Buffet). The entertainment system consisted of an outdated Nintendo 3DS and a broken DVD player paired with a cathode ray Onida TV. At least the Hufflepuffs had a Playstation 2. The Slytherin common room was by far the coolest and most hip of all common rooms. PS4s , XBOX ones, Oculus Rift’s and Alienwares were strewn around the place like used condoms. Rumour says they even had hookers, courtesy of a weird combo of Airbnb and Craigslist.

Harry and Ron were greeted to the sight of a 6 month pregnant and angry Hermione in the common room.

Ron: H…hi.. babe !

Hermione: Ronald Weasley !!!! You are supposed to take care of me!! But all you do is get high with this loser.

Harry: Whoa !! Did you just call me a loser? You are the one who got knocked up at 14. You are the loser.

Hermione: Ron!! Are you going to let him talk to me like that!!

Ron: Hey!!! We are not married, so I don’t give a shit. Besides, Harry buys me meth. He has my loyalty.

Meanwhile, Neville Longbottom(who by the way is a class A mugger in the Gryffindor common room) comes upto Harry.

Neville: Give me your money bitch !!

Harry: Dude, all I have in my pockets is a broken yoyo and a stale sandwich.

Neville: That will do.

Harry hands him his yoyo and sandwich, while Neville passes a secret note into Harry’s hands. Written in the note is-

“Meet me in the quidditch pitch at midnight. Don’t bring friends. But do bring some Crystal meth.”

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Midnight. It was raining in California. The Googleplex was dark and empty. Except for one room in the top floor.

An UBER cab pulled across the street. A hooded figure, the size of a 5 year old child got out of the cab. Before the figure could say a thing, the driver took off.

“Human he is. Scared he be.” said the figure shaking it’s head.

Back in his office, Sundar Pichai was losing his calm. He was getting antsy. What if Dumbledore found out what he was about to do? His monthly subscription of drugs would get cancelled!! Google plus’s servers would be sabotaged!! Well, nobody gave a shit about Google Plus, but the drugs !! Oh the horror!!

A soft knock on the door. Pichai opens the door. A child sized hooded figure steps in.

“Miss me did you hmmmm?” said the figure taking off the hood.

“Jedi master Yoda!! You are here !!” exclaimed Pichai.

“Here I am. Get rid of your problems I will.” replied Yoda.

Aaaaaah, Yoda. The Jedi master. The master of the force but bored with life. His days of youth were done and so were his days of being a Jedi. He now takes yearly trips to Thailand for his ‘erotic massages’, parties hard in Las Vegas, goes to strip clubs; all because he can’t masturbate with his insufficient 3 fingers. Damn you evolution!!! He enjoys the ocassional BDSM fantasy and is a huge fan of “50 shades of grey”; his safe word being “may the force be with you”.

Without deviating too much, all you need to know now is that he only works freelance now, his last job being an internship at “UFC: Ultimate Fighting Championship” where he taught the importance of mastering the force. Also, Yoda has mastered the force but not English grammar. He only speaks in passive voice. If you want to send him a B-day present, might I suggest “Wren & Martin: High school grammar”. The dude needs it bad.

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Flashback- The Avengers have finally collected all the six infinity stones. Thanos has lost. What the Avengers couldn’t understand was the fact that Thanos wanted the infinity stones to do good. He had made a deal with Elon Musk to build a sustainable fusion reactor using the infinity stones. But since Thanos had lost, Elon Musk was furious and showed Thanos both his middle fingers and built the Tesla Powerwall. This resulted in a decline of share value in Thanos’ company “Imperial big booty star systems”. Frustrated with his life, Thanos joined the quest to find the elusive weed; a weed that let’s you stay high for all eternity.

Long story short, Thanos hired Yoda to do the deed for him in exchange for 15% equity in his new startup “Weed greed”, which focuses on using artificial intelligence, Google maps(which now covers the universe) and Dr. Who’s TARDIS to find weed growing hotspots across the universe. The irony strikes with the force of an anvil when you realize he could have done that in the first place to find the elusive weed. I guess Thanos was either a high school drop out or he had ALS. Meh…who cares.

____________________Back in Googleplex______________________

Pichai: What can I do for you master?

Yoda: Strippers you get, happy I be.

Pichai: As you wish master. What brings you here on earth, great Jedi?

Yoda: In quest of the elusive weed I am. Your help I need.

Pichai: The honour would be mine Jedi. But you do understand the gravity of the request you are making. I have already promised Dumbledore my loyalty in the same quest.

Yoda: Offered what to you has Dumbledore?

Pichai: He helped me put an imperius curse on Larry Page. He also magically created the source code for Google photos. I am his right hand in the muggle world.

Yoda: Brin Sergei?

Pichai: Dumbledore couldn’t do it. Russians are sneaky bastards. Unlike us Indians. We are just bastards.

Yoda: Better offer I make. On my team you play.

Pichai: What have you got to offer?

Another knock on the door. Yoda opens the door. A tall and lean figure with an out of place afro haircut steps in. Pichai has trouble recognising the man. But then realization dawns on him.

Pichai: Snnn…..Snapedawg ??

Snape: Yo Pichai!! Backstabbing Dumbledore now are we?

Pichai: I…I didn’t mean to. I..

Snape: Good news is, I’m here to do the same.

Yoda: Friend my good Snape. Of you nice to show up.

Snape: I couldn’t refuse your offer Yoda. Besides, Dumbledore just called me a 40 year old virgin. I’m done with that guy.

Pichai: I..I’m still confused. What did Yoda offer you?

Snape: He offered to give Eminem a case of stage fright for the rest of his life using the force. I want that fucking muggle off the billboards!! He is the only competitor affecting my itunes sales. Fucking Rap fraud!!

Pichai: And what am I being offered?

Yoda: Help you take down IOS I will. Hypnotise Tim Cook I will. Savvy?

Pichai: But Dumbledore could have done the same for me. He shares my hatred for Apple.

Snape: Don’t you get it, Gandalf looooooooves Apple’s products. And Dumbledore will do nothing to sabotage their friendship.

Yoda: Another perk I add. Make you Jedi I will.

Pichai: Whoa!! I accept your deal !!

Snape*emotionally*: You were born to be a Jedi Pichai!!

Pichai*overwhelmed with emotion and in tears now*: Damn right brother!! But what’s my role in all this?

Yoda: Simple it is. Disable Google maps for Dumbledore you will. Allow him to be lost in Apple maps you will. Yeeess…hmmmmm….

Pichai: Yes master…

………………………………………TO BE CONTINUED……………………….