Who’s to say what happiness looks like

For the greater part of my life, I have always had a notion that happiness is something that is achieved. One can achieve happiness by looking a certain way, living a certain way, thinking a certain way and the list goes on.

I’ve recently gone home (dragged back here by my best friend, really) to my province in an attempt to rescue me from my miserable life. I have convinced myself that I am miserable and that I have reached rock bottom. I have allowed everyone else to convince me that I am miserable. I was not living the good life. I had quit my job, dead broke, given up hope on my future, my life and my sanity.

In my stay here I had to go through different “stages” of healing. Dealing with my inner demons and eventually facing them. Now that I look back at everything, I cannot be sure if I was truly miserable or that I was simply frustrated at the life I did not have. Happiness to me was having a great personality with an even greater way of thinking, happiness meant traveling and seeing the world, exploring myself and what I had within me, happiness was looking like the person I thought I wanted to be, happiness was getting the approval of random people who judge me solely on my looks, my personality and my lifestyle. But then it dawned on me. I am, without a doubt, a fucking idiot.

Let me countdown my stupidity so as to make it even clearer that my life has been wasted on being completely stupid:

  1. I single-handedly convinced myself that I was special

That whole “you’re unique and wonderful” hooha completely fucked up my way of thinking. I believed I was amazing and special and unique and that I am a gift to mankind. Turns out, I am no different than that cockroach I saw crawling under my bed last week. Believing I was special gave me a false sense of entitlement. That the world and everyone around it somehow owed me some form of recognition, praise and even gratitude. That somehow looking a LITTLE better than most people gave me some magic get out of reality card. That somehow I deserved more from everyone because I wasn’t ugly. I am just as boring and mundane and unworthy as everyone else on this wonderful planet and the sooner I accept that, the kinder I will be to myself and all of mankind.

2. I thought I was better than some people

Nope. No I’m not. And even if I was, who cares. In a few years we will all turn into dust. I am no better than a piece of plastic on the side of the road. It might seem like I am putting myself down but honestly, I am just stating reality. The entire existance of mankind has been so destructive and gruesome that we are close to extinction in just a few more years. We have single-handedly destroyed ourselves. Why? Because we have convinced ourselves that we are a gift. That we are so much more than what we really are. Life forms. We believed that we have a higher calling. That we are here and that we have some divine destiny. We have single-handedly convinced ourselves that we are special.

And we’re all idiots.

3. I made happiness the goal of living

Millions of people around the world die from starvation, sickness and violence. Children die months, even hours after they are born. It seems unfair to us that they did not even experience happiness while they were here. But maybe, just maybe, the problem here is our expectations of life. We weren’t brought here because we had a higher calling. We are here because a series of coincidences made life possible. And the only goal of our life has already been served the second we were born. Everything else after that is a miracle.

4. I believed lifestyle was the answer

You have never truly lived unless you have traveled the world. Bullshit.

This is where greed and envy really kicks in. Because we believed we had to live a certain way to become the best version of ourselves. It’s never the same thing, the trend is always changing but the only constant thing about it is that it involves living the life that everyone currently wants at the moment. We think that because we don’t look a certain way, behave a certain way, think a certain way, desire certain things, we are doomed to constantly hate everyone who has what we want. And the simple act of not wanting what everyone else wants makes you the outcast.

I have lived my entire life wanting the life of everyone else. I have wasted my time dreaming of that “someday” when it will finally be me. It will finally be my turn.