To whoever is reading this,
Hi. This letter is mainly to anyone who’s had contact with me for the past few weeks. For those of you who are dealing with me now, thank you for growing with me through this process called Life. I’m using this as an outlet to organize all the mental clutter I have and address a few things I think I should talk about. Here’s an update on how I am as a person and where I am in life, think of it as a live meditation. Enjoy my writing style:
THE STATE OF THINGS
So essentially, I am okay. Lately, I feel like I get into spells of a drowsiness. Like a haze or a smog comes down onto my mind. But during these periods I tend to become unresponsive and lack purpose motivation and direction. I’m more quiet and reserved. Usually this brain fog come accompanied with some really bad anxiety and depression, and I start to lose/question myself and question the people around me. This has basically manifested itself as me becoming self aware of people’s (projected? actual? who knows?) tangible uncomfort towards me, which leads to me to then feeling more uncomfortable. As you can imagine, this becomes this sort of a self hating cycle and very much leaving me to just question my identity for a while. This has been a regular enough thing for me, that I can distinctly separate that feeling from when I feel “awake” at other times (which I characterize as normal). As of writing this, I do feel very awake.
PAST NEAR PRESENT
I will say recently I’m learning alot. About myself. About Music Theory. Imagine leaning to use a film camera on a beach where the moon was your only lightsource. I didn’t really have direction until now. I will also say that I’ve been handling a lot more stress. And what has every great artist done to channel that stress? Make. I’ve been feeling alot of pent up energy and I want to direct it at something. That is to say that the pent up energy is all my pent up anxiety from trying to make something but never being able to? I’d like to say that it feels like an egg hatching in my head and my skull’s an oven that’s been cooking for a while now. But the egg is an idea and whatever comes out is the result from these next few days. So here’s to me channeling my creative energy these next few days. A good idea came to me recently: use everything as an extension of yourself. So, I want to make music. I want to paint pictures. I want to do everything I can and everything I set my mind to. And this process is that much more enhanced when I know how to effectively channel that. But, learning that takes time. Music theory gives me a good grounding for any auditory expression, and I’m trying to find some way to apply that. I want to try to learn how to sew in the near future. I would say I want to take an art class of some kind to give me a good basis for expressing myself in abstract. Learn how to sculpt in clay sometime? Maybe a creative writing class to help me get a process down for effectively taking down my thoughts. I’d like to say I have a good basis in photography to know what I’m doing as far as shooting film in the right light settings. Considering I do photography as a job and get to use that as an oulet sometimes, working during the semester helps me sharpen that sword. How much that said sword actually cuts is something we’ll see once I actually develop those rolls of film! In essence, think about this process as me trying to communicate how I feel through another form or medium, sometimes auditory, sometimes visual, whatever feels appropriate and best to handle it. But everything about me aside, I’d like to say that I’m very grateful for the people I have around me right now.
The only thought on my mind right now is how I’m going to be able to accurately and expertly go about executing this. Which is the point: just let it happen. So taking my current knowledge I’m going to try to try to apply it and make a collection of something for now. Then do it again during the summer. Maybe compare the two to give a good scale of progression? Who knows, and most importantly who cares. At this point I’ve stopped operating on a normal 24 hours and shifted my mindset towards more about weeks. So thats how I’m doing as of 4:14 AM on this cool night on Emerald Isle. Thanks for reading, and if you need to keep up with me find my social media accounts. But if we’re not friends at all and you’re fine with me just never talking to you again, Kanye said it best: Please no one text me or ask me for anything till Monday. And just keep on repeating that to yourself. Every Sunday.
— Christopher Collado
update: ended up not doing much besides picking up a bit more music theory, when I wrote this we only had 1 full day left. Still feeling very motivated, started moving onto a visual medium (art, sketching).
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