Stop telling me to be fearless

I know what you mean: Be bold. Be brave. Go after it despite your fear. Do it even though you’re afraid.

That is, literally, what courage is: Doing something when you’re afraid.

We are talking about fear — we are talking to kids about fear — as if it’s not natural. We act like it is something within our control. We message to ourselves and to each other that fear is something we should spend time and resources to minimize or eliminate.

“Little boy, don’t be afraid of your emotions.” “Little girl, don’t be afraid to raise your hand in class.”

This is ridiculous. It’s a waste of resources. Fear is energy — we can use it.

For bravery to be a valuable currency, it is critical that we recognize that fear is an integral piece of being brave.

Instead of telling me to be fearless, tell me to be bravemore. Instead of aiming to fear less, let’s teach our kids (and ourselves ) to brave more.

When I first started Brave Enterprises, I thought I would research and study bravery. Almost immediately, our team became far more focused on fear, uncertainty, and risk. Now, we build the programming specifically to help people experience fear in a scaffolded space so that they can become equipped to manage it when it pops up in real life.

Because it will.

To practice bravery, you have to be inclined to encounter feelings that are uncomfortable. Fundamentally, you have to be willing to know your fear. You’ve got to be agreeable to nudge outside of your comfort zone. Doing each of these is hard and doing any of them builds bravery.

Most people think bravery is reserved for people like firefighters. Firefighters are very brave, and we classify that action as general bravery. General bravery is doing something that everyone would agree is brave. Aristotle talked a lot about this valiant, responsibility-driven and moral type of courage related to soldiers. He considered those people who knowingly put their lives in harm’s way as admirably and expertly brave.

Personal bravery is going outside of your own comfort zone — when you do something that is brave for you. As individuals, our fear is felt through the lens of our own experiences. Because of this, what makes us afraid is very personal.

Building a personal bravery practice is critical in encouraging your growth as a person, which is why courage is such a valued virtue among philosophers and psychologists. Based on our findings, there are 3 ways to get more brave:

1. Honesty with self: Asking yourself deep questions and being real about the answers is incredible bravery training. Repetitive vulnerability is a great inoculation against fear which might be tranquilizing your ability to take action. Honesty with self doesn’t need to be shared with others to make you feel more brave, though it’s next-level bravery when you choose to share.

2. Taking brave action: Nudging or even flirting with the layer beyond your comfort zone is enough weight to strengthen your bravery muscles.

• Raise your hand in class.
• Introduce yourself to someone new.
• Tell someone the way they make you feel.
• Speak in front of a big group.
• Apply for a job you want.

If you are scared, then you are taking brave action. Little brave action counts and compounds to bigger brave action.

3. Witnessing brave action: Getting your eyes up in your own world to look and listen so that you can bear witness to people — friends, family, coworkers, strangers — doing the things that scare them (or that would scare you) is you getting braver.

Once you get some time and experience in your bravery practice, you can take a huge deep breath and start focusing on your specific fear(s). This is separate that just building your bravery, this is addressing the root of what holds you back.

Turning your fear into fuel may be a long and emotional process. It may involve other people. Though it is not necessary to do before being able to practice your bravery, it is crucial to fully understanding what holds you back. Most specifically, what it is in you that stops you from pursuing things you want or love.

We recommend that you take one step at a time, in order, and with one major fear at a time.

ACKNOWLEDGE your fear: Recognize when it surfaces and what it feels like. Does it feel like your face is on fire? Does it feel like you’re having a heart attack? Does it feel like embarrassment? Shame? Humiliation? Is it exciting? Does it make you smile? Energetic? Does it make you hide? Cower? Sweat? Detail your physical and emotional characteristics when consumed by this fear.

ENGAGE your fear: Ask it to dance. Try to intentionally bring it or, or put yourself directly in its line of fire. When it is fully ablaze, trace it back from where it came. See what it brings with it — other feelings, past experiences, etc. . Like you are a damn scientist, look at this fear of yours like the frog you dissected in biology class.

IDENTIFY your fear: Now that you have context, start to name it very clearly. Classify it — build out a pathology that makes its presence known and predictable. This is not an easy step. A lot of this part is you coming to terms with WHY this fear is yours. Stay focused so that when you are questioning WHY it’s your fear, you can begin to understand WHERE it came from. This is huge in order for you to …

OWN your fear: Put a leash on it and give it a name. Take a picture of it and print out an ID card for it. Put that ID in your wallet. Put a piece of it in a locket and wear it on your neck. Pay taxes on it. It’s yours. Do whatever you need to do to know and accept that this is yours. Blaming it on someone else is a key sign you have not yet fully owned it as your own. Only when you do can you fully use the energy of it.

USE your fear: If, after all of these steps, your fear still charges you with energy, begin to start wielding that energy to action. How? Start small and see where it drives you.

• Get through a to do list: List 5 things you need to do. 5 things you want to do. Put time limits on each. And, start doing them in no order at all.
• Have a hard conversation: Dial the number or show up at the door and just start talking. Be clear. Get it off your chest.
• Carve out time for yourself: We know you’re busy. And, so? Carve out time for yourself. Manicure. Reading. Nap. Dessert. Hug. Shower. Gratitude. Smile.

Fear acts as a cue to be brave. Up to you — whatever your fear is — to develop a way to manage it and respond to it with action.