Tonight I Feel Like

Meh
I feel like average, f*ck how much I hate being average.
I want perfect, extraordinary, CGI effects, unreal movie scenes.
But meh, then I realize I’m not entitled to have any of that. And that you need to put in the work, practice, act, grow towards that.
But then again, meh. What for?
I feel like time is just going by so fast, decisions need to be made, but then I just get stuck and ruminate on trivialities.
Each day a postponement for what’s to come next.
Tonight I feel alive, all this inner turmoil and burning questions firing my neurons up.
Tonight I feel lost in myself and the world around me.
Tonight I feel like maybe things can actually change and everything is going to be OK.
Tonight I feel hopeful.
Tonight is just another evening passing by in anticipation of tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will not be the same person who wrote these lines.
I’m not sure I anticipate tomorrow, the challenges of the future, the experiences it inevitably brings.
Tonight I feel like not feeling at all.
A part of me wishes to shut it all off.
Tonight will pass and there is nothing I can do.
Let go. I keep telling myself to let go, don’t hold so hard onto what’s beyond you.
But I’m just a stubborn bull that needs to hold on to something.
All these ideas about myself, the world, how things work.
I know how wrong I am about most of those beliefs.
I fear the uncertainty that life is.
Life brings me fear, being alive seems to me too much unnecessary work with little to no payoff.
Ups and downs.
Somehow I find myself navigating through the downs most of the time
Tonight I feel really lonely and somehow the past days this feeling of loneliness intensified more.
Even when there are people surrounding me, they don’t see the real me.
Sometimes I think of how it would be to stop the act and take the mask off.
To not try.
Just to be.
Tonight I feel like writing average sentences.
This is another average sentence.
The perfectionist side of myself says I shouldn’t post this.
Maybe I shouldn’t, but somehow I don’t care.
It doesn’t matter. Not really.
Tonight I feel like watching the stars.
That’s what I’m going to do.
Farewell.
