Tonight I Feel Like

Cristian
Cristian
Aug 25, 2017 · 2 min read

Meh

I feel like average, f*ck how much I hate being average.

I want perfect, extraordinary, CGI effects, unreal movie scenes.

But meh, then I realize I’m not entitled to have any of that. And that you need to put in the work, practice, act, grow towards that.

But then again, meh. What for?

I feel like time is just going by so fast, decisions need to be made, but then I just get stuck and ruminate on trivialities.

Each day a postponement for what’s to come next.

Tonight I feel alive, all this inner turmoil and burning questions firing my neurons up.

Tonight I feel lost in myself and the world around me.

Tonight I feel like maybe things can actually change and everything is going to be OK.

Tonight I feel hopeful.

Tonight is just another evening passing by in anticipation of tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will not be the same person who wrote these lines.

I’m not sure I anticipate tomorrow, the challenges of the future, the experiences it inevitably brings.

Tonight I feel like not feeling at all.

A part of me wishes to shut it all off.

Tonight will pass and there is nothing I can do.

Let go. I keep telling myself to let go, don’t hold so hard onto what’s beyond you.

But I’m just a stubborn bull that needs to hold on to something.

All these ideas about myself, the world, how things work.

I know how wrong I am about most of those beliefs.

I fear the uncertainty that life is.

Life brings me fear, being alive seems to me too much unnecessary work with little to no payoff.

Ups and downs.

Somehow I find myself navigating through the downs most of the time

Tonight I feel really lonely and somehow the past days this feeling of loneliness intensified more.

Even when there are people surrounding me, they don’t see the real me.

Sometimes I think of how it would be to stop the act and take the mask off.

To not try.

Just to be.

Tonight I feel like writing average sentences.

This is another average sentence.

The perfectionist side of myself says I shouldn’t post this.

Maybe I shouldn’t, but somehow I don’t care.

It doesn’t matter. Not really.

Tonight I feel like watching the stars.

That’s what I’m going to do.

Farewell.

)
Cristian

Written by

Writing is my escape from the daily incessant noise. What is life? Nothing but an extended suicide.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade