What’s it like being an Avoidant

We are the stories we tell ourselves. We are the stories we let others label us. We are the voice inside our head. Although others will tell you that voice has nothing to do with who you are. Others will tell you have a choice, a decision to make. Your life is your life. Live it as you wish or just be another product of consumption. Are you living or just existing?

I have always had tendencies towards being an avoidant in life. It started from my very youth. On close analysis everything starts from our youth and progresses naturally as we age. Some habits we pick and they just become a part of us. They make us who we are. I always was the quite kid. The obedient kid. I always looked for validation at home, in friendships, in society. I wanted to feel like I belonged.

To a huge extent to this day I hate conflict. I don’t do well handling criticism. I hate when people raise their voice. I cannot manage myself when in stressful situations. I get tremors, arms are shaking, I start to sweat, my heart races, mouth goes dry, I feel dizzy. Like an impending doom is about to take over. I lose control and that’s what I hate the most. Not being in control. Uncertainty. Not knowing is scary. But that’s life. And in fighting so much against it, no matter how much sense you’d make of it. It seems like you’ve lost.

If things were up to me. To my choosing. I would just isolate more and more. Stay at home. At my computer. Watching movies, listening to music, listening to other people from a distance. I don’t need to partake into the conversation. I am perfectly content listening it’s just as good for me. I don’t need to be in the center of attention. I hate that. I hate when people notice me. I hate appraisal. I hate compliments.

For I feel like with all that I am pressured to give something in return. Reciprocity. Societal rules to live by. Unwritten social rules. I hate that. I despise expectations.

And society is filled with them. Relationship wise, we all have a narrative in our subconscious. How life should be. What marketing people tell us. What is supposed to make us happy. People governed by material and spiritual.

For me life is isolation. Stagnation. Avoidance. I see myself as a being passing through the eternities. With no final stop in mind. There are so many roads but there is only one of me. My ego. My decisions. Everything moves and I want to stay. I am like a little stubborn child that refuses to move. But time is the enemy it does not listen. Whatever was not done shall forever remain like that.

My protests are futile. What I have to say is of little importance in the grand scheme of things. My ideas are influenced, my perception as subjective. We all desire to be righteous. To have a say in things. And all I see in my life is how I am being told who to be, what to do, expectations are set upon me. Expectations I do not align with, nor do I want to.

There is I feel a rebel in each one of us. We want to think that we are different and that we can do as we please. But that’s not true. We depend on others. Career wise, relationship wise. We are at the mercy of others. They decide if we fit in, or we are outcasts.

I think I’ve made the choice beforehand and decided to abandon life. To abandon my place in society.

I do hold a job that I am not particularly fond of. I do that to keep in line. To survive, to occupy my mind and to distract myself. After a year of mindless work when I sit with myself and think of what’s next for me. What would the next step be. I am left wondering. For I can’t imagine a next step. I can’t envision myself going any longer like this. Having to fulfill tasks that are an obligation of sorts.

I don’t want responsibility. I don’t want others depending on me.

I am a closed box. I hold my demons inside me. At times I feel like crying and unleashing the rage and resentment there is in this body. But it feels pointless. There is apathy towards most things.

I am tired of being this persona. Acting this way. Putting on the mask and going into society. Descending into a cesspool of corruption, betrayal, backstabbing.

I have constantly tried to push myself. To tell myself that this thinking is wrong. I am wrong. People are different. I just don’t see it. And I have done things to get myself out of the shell. I have tried to open the box up. But I always face judgement and disappointment. I start realize that there is no point to this game. It’s all just a play pretend. A survival. And the ones that are succeeding at it are the ones that can step over others.

I can’t understand how some move from one relationship to another with such ease. How they utter — I love you’s — like it’s so simple. How they bond and maintain these relationships. Whereas to me it seems like an Everest I have overcome. This inner resistance I face every single day. I have pretended to be this person for so long that I don’t even know who is the real me.

Dating is a mystery. Trying to market myself to the women whose affection I would desire. Acting as a male with no weaknesses. A successful person. Financially set, confident, independent, funny and charismatic. Otherwise, who would fall for the opposite?

I self-isolated for when I am alone it’s easier to handle. I am free of pretense. Alone. I don’t have to be someone. I just exist. I don’t talk. I observe. Interaction drains me. Trying new things isn’t appealing. When you are apathetic towards the outer world, the only world you are left in is the one you created for yourself. In your dreams. The one you imagine to be better than what is out there.

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Writing is my escape from the daily incessant noise. What is life? Nothing but an extended suicide.

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Cristian

Cristian

Writing is my escape from the daily incessant noise. What is life? Nothing but an extended suicide.

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