I was recently talking with a friend of mine, as we were driving back from getting ice cream. He asked if I had ever faked an orgasm, to which without hesitation I responded that indeed I had. The rest of the trip back home, I remembered some of the times I had faked it and I couldn't help but wonder, why did I ever fake one. As I'm eating my ice cream, I'm staring out the window, and suddenly I have a revelation.
I belittled myself so many times, for men that would never do anything for me. I faked orgasms to feed the ego of men, that I neither loved or cared for. These men came to me with the stories of how other women had hurt them, and betrayed them, and left them so broken, that they did not want to have a relationship with me. These men had clear in their mind what they did not want for them, and would not change that thought for anything, however here I was, giving them a piece of me, and lying to them to feed the ego that would still find a way to hurt me.
How are these men so sure of what they don't want for themselves, and stand so strong by that, but yet there are so many women out there faking orgams to make sure the men they are having crappy sex with, are ok, making sure their feelings aren't hurt.
How many times did I not feel insecure about my stretch marks, about my boobs, and my fat. Spending countless hours modifying the things I like about myself to make these men comfortable. I hate shaving my legs during winter, however I continued shaving them, because men like smooth legs. I dyed my hair red because a man once told me I looked better with red hair, only to go brunette later because my boyfriend thought natural was better. I clipped my fingernails because someone thought long nails were dirty, and then put on fake nails because someone else thought they were sexy that way, and the worst part is that this is only on the outside.
I was staring out the window and realized, i stopped cursing as much, because someone thought it was not ladylike. Once I was at a club hidding to smoke a cigarette because the guy I was with did not like girls that smoked. I remembered the time I was told by a man that I did not deserve better because I had slept with many men, and I believed him. I allowed another human being to decide for me what I deserved and what I didnt. I stopped showing my cleavage, which I love so much, because that is NOT what a decent woman does.
The more thought i gave this, the more I realized, that I had been doing this to myself for many many years.
When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend, who cheated on me all the time, with one of my “friends”. One time, we went to a friends party, I was outside when one of my friends told me my boyfriend and my “friend” were locked in a room. Everyone in that party knew my boyfriend cheated on me, yet somehow, I would always forgive him. I went into the house and indeed they were together, he put me in a bathroom to “resolve” my “issues” with this girl. Everyone knew what was going on. I left the party, and he went behind me, yelling about how much of a bullshit our relationship was. I had been humiliated at that party, yet somehow I was wrong. I wasted part of my life with this boy who made me feel like nothing, and ended up not seeing my family for 11 years because I thought he was the love of my life. How many times have I not seen the same pattern in other girls.
I have made myself small for men that will cheat, that will lie, and even go as far as using physical abuse. It has taken almost 27 years for me to forgive myself for letting a boy cheat on me and humiliate me when I was 14, for letting my kids father hit me, and make me believe I would only have him, for letting someone tell me I was worth less because of the amount of men I have slept with. I'm 26 years old, and just now I am accepting who I really am, without the alcohol influencing me or making myself believe I am someone i'm really not. I see myself in the mirror, and I like my face with only mascara, i love my freshly dyed black hair, my long natural nails, i haven't shaved my legs in 2 days, and I love it. It has taken me this long, but I am not wasting any more time. I have reached a moment of growth, were I´m satisfied, and not faking orgasms. I'm writing from the heart. I am happy with my children. I am happy, tonight i stood up for myself. Tonight i am not faking.