The feeling of Hopelessness

We’ve all experienced at some point or another that feeling. Money problems? Relationship in the gutter? Maybe even thoughts of suicide because you can’t possibly imagine being happy and you just can’t take it anymore. I know the feeling. I’ve been there, even recently. I’m currently unemployed and finding work here is tough. I have 90 cents in my bank account.

I became reclusive, distant, when asked if I was okay by those who loved me, I’d just smile and say “Yeah, I’m alright, what about you?” deflecting the question back at them to take my mind off of my situation, and more importantly, get the other person away from my situation as much as possible.

Though reluctant to refuse help, I always did. Partly out of a lack of self worth, and partly because I’m just so fed up with being other people’s problem. I can’t stand the feeling of nothing, and the complete lack of contribution to the world, held back by my own past and being born just simply at the wrong time in life.

But all of this changed a little when a close friend knew I was hurting for money and insisted very strongly about sending me money to take care of issues at the DMV. It opened my eyes a bit and made me realize that I just need to accept the help where I can get it, and quit being so selfishly stubborn. The way he kept offering and offering, just hit me hard. Like a hammer crashing down on an anvil made of glass, I shattered and realized that if I just let the people in my life help through their love, I can feel better about myself and keep fighting.

I’m just investing in your future, man.

Those words are still ringing through my head after he sent me the money through PayPal.

For the longest time I never realized that I’m not really a burden. I’m just like how I see my friends; someone that I love dearly and I would do anything for. I’ve never once felt like my friends were a burden, or a problem, and once I realized that must be how they feel too... Well, let’s just say things just feel a little better.

If you have someone you are close with in your life, try to let them in to your suffering. No one has to suffer alone, and no amount of suffering is lesser of greater to any other’s suffering. We all suffer in various ways and personal suffering always feels awful to the person receiving it.

If you have a best friend or partner that you recently had a falling out or argument with, rekindle the relationship. Friends are worth more than you know.

Dedicated to Blake and Piers, my eternal friends, forever & always.