Family Fugue

(announcer)

Yes, friends, it’s the gameshow that combines social awareness of irrelevant trivia, no matter how ridiculous, with classic crazes of the millennia.

(silly musical interlude) (announcer)

And now, our host… Spanky McGillicutty (applause)

(emcee, Spanky)

“Okay, then. We’re gonna play Family Fugue, the dumbest game on television. Okay, before we get started seeing who’s more irrelevant, let’s first meet our two families. We have here on my right, the Arian Nordic ever popular standard blue-eyed blogged… I mean, blond, white folk party… I mean, family, the Poppinstoks. Hailing from the Orange County boondocks of Downey and ruled by that infernal, paternal figure, Rudy!!! (applause)

“Next, our offering of the token black Fugouwee family from Poindexter, Ohio. They are unforgivingly bossed by matriarch, Shondalaya Naptalie. We’ll just call her Nappy… I mean, Natty, for short, if that’s all right…”

“It’s all right but, just be careful!”

“Nappy, er, Natty, are you descendants of the famous lost Indian tribe, Weir de Fugouwee?”

“I don’t think so, Stanky, I mean, Spanky.”

“Hmmm… watch it, bitch. All right now, let’s get this shit under way. I got a hot date with Vanna White afterwards.”

“Vanna White??? God damn! She gotta be 85 year old. Don’t you kill that woman, now, Stanky!”

“Mind your own friggin business and let’s play Family Fugue!” (aside) “and that’s Spanky. Bitch!”

(more silly music & applause)

“Okay. Sixty nine families from East L.A. were surveyed. Name the most prevalent parasitic insects found in the average ghetto home.”

(contestants push buttons… bell rings)

“All right then, Nappy-Natty, sorry, what’s your answer?”

“I’d say sewer rats!” (buzzer sounds)

“No, sorry. Survey said: Bedbugs. Bedbugs was the number one answer. Okay, the Poppinstoks can steal now. What do you say, Rudy?”

(family excitedly jumps up and down)

“I’m gonna say crab-lice, Stanky.”

“That’s Spanky, moron. Crab-lice. Survey said…”

(bell rings)

“Very good, very good. Next Poppinstok. And what’s your name, honey?”

“Menstrualiska.”

“Help! All right then, Menstra-whatever, name the most prevalent parasitic insects found in the average ghetto home.”

“Uhhhh, snakes?”

“Snakes… brilliant.” (yells out) “Snakes…” (buzzer sounds)

“Okay, the survey said the number three answer was… (clang) fleas! The number three answer was fleas. Number four… (clang) cockroaches. Who could ever have guessed that one? Number five… (clang) Pit bulls. Pit bulls??? (aside) I swear, I can’t take much more of this. I gotta get a real job one of these days!”

    craig rory lombardi, bronx born

    NYC incarnate. Snake hips chicken lips and other flights of fanciful whimsy. Musician, Renaissance Mo-Fo, Beatnik, Philosopher, Feminist. Purist of the impure!

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