Erica explores the intense phases of crossdressing in this very personal reveal
I am a crossdresser, and have been so since my pre-teen years. I’m married now, with kids and I have even been through years of therapy, first for the pornography, and then for the crossdressing. I love my wife and want to stay married. The reality is that I enjoy dressing as a woman, including make-up and a wig. I find this “fantasy” personality dangerously exciting. I like to call myself “Erica”. I think my wife suspects that I have an interest in women’s lingerie, but we have never talked about it directly and she does not know of my dressing as far as I know. I didn’t intend for this to happen; it just did. I am trying to figure out my cycle of wanting to be “Erica” versus just being a “normal” man. I’ve been trying to pay attention to my changing moods in order to better understand my need for crossdressing. From reading comments from other transvestites, I don’t believe there is a simple, or all inclusive answer. We all have our stories and
Right now, I’m in the “normal” phase. I realized that I was in a rational state of mind, and that I should record what I am feeling and how that is different from when I am into being “Erica”. Maybe I could figure this out and deal with it. Anyway, my observations follow.
“Normal” Man Phase
When I’m in a “rational” state-of-mind & body, my life looks like this: I am busy, either with “work” or with things at home. I have plenty to do to keep me engaged and focused. ♂ I don’t have much idle time. ♂ I feel closer to my wife. ♂ I have had sex with my wife during the prior week or two. ♂ I feel important to my children. ♂ I have not had the opportunity to act out, or get on the Internet to look at porn, or to read my email account. ♂ I don’t think about sex as much. My mind is just elsewhere. ♂ I have been involved in social activities with our friends and couples, along with my wife.
2) If I act out by dressing alone, whether I masturbate or just dress, I feel: ♀ Remorse, particularly as soon as I climax. ♀ Is that all there is? What was I thinking? What have I done? ♀ I can’t continue like this. I must make a change. ♀ I’m a man/husband/father — what if someone found out about my secret life? ♀ My life is good. I worship a loving God, I have a great wife & wonderful children, a good job and good financial and physical health. Why do I need to dress?
When I find myself fantasizing and drifting into “Erica”, I find: a) I am feeling rejected, unloved by a woman (wife/mother/sister), and excluded from a close emotional relationship. b) I think to protect myself, I start viewing women as non-people. Sex objects. I’m drawn to looking at porn, which just reinforces this view of women. c) I realize that I associate feminizing with sexuality: when I want to feel loved, I think of smiling, lingerie clad women. They seem happy and appreciated. Someone is paying close attention to them. I remember this method of escape fromearly in my sexual exploration years as a pre-teen. d) Wearing the thin veneer of a woman’s intimate lingerie seems to help me feel closer to “women”, and the love/attention/touching that I missed as a child from my mother. I just want to be touched, appreciated, and not judged. Does crossdressing help me deal with this emotion? So many men enjoy crossdressing that it must be a response to some basic need. e) If I’m honest with myself, I feel somewhat depressed, and unworthy of love.
f) But oddly, I do also feel good about myself: my looks, my weight, my ego. g) I am somewhat isolated at home. Either my wife is too busy with the children or other activities, or we are just in a position that fosters my being alone. h) I am isolated at work, and/or not feeling recognized or appreciated. i) I am traveling, giving me opportunity to be alone and to act out. j) A period of “preoccupation” emerges where I find that I start thinking about sexual fantasies, first at random, and then the thoughts increase in frequency. k) I have idle time, or make the idle time, to think about sex, go online, go shopping for feminine things, and/or fantasize. l) I consume alcohol, alone or with others. I drink to get drunk. m) When I’m in my fantasy world, feeling feminine is a heady blend of feeling pretty, desirable, submissive, delicate, and touchable. I want to feel that way. n) I can feel the pull of my addiction to dressing, and I am unable to stop the process. o) Opportunityè drinking è pornography è acting out (dressing, shopping, dangerous destructive behavior that I know is wrong but I can’t stop myself). p) I discount potential safety and health risks when I hook-up with men to act out as being the real “Erica”. I am not logical about what I am doing sexually or personally.
q) Dressing for me seems to always include wearing bikini panties (I prefer feminine pink, and white string bikini panties, but also am attracted to solid red, and black ones) and stockings (nude or colors — thigh high stay-ups or gartered). I frequently add a bra (prefer traditional white lace push-up) and a garter belt. Light make-up is a thrill. I like shopping for skirts and tops. When I act out with men, I like to wear a wig, heels, and more makeup. r) My acting out fantasy persona is that of a willing, intelligent, girl-next-door, sexy and attractive woman. I fixate on looking at porn on line. My favorite women are always smiling, wearing a garter belt with stockings, and heels, and frequently wearing a bra and panties. I like amateur photos and not “professional” porn-star images.
s) Then, like an addict, I must get my “hit” by dressing as Erica. And I feel so good again!
This “normal” cycle seems to come and go. I can go for weeks, or sometimes, months without feeling the “need” to escape into a fantasy world. When I feel the “Erica” cycle beginning to return, it is too late to stop it. I don’t want to talk about it or think rationally about what I am doing. I just need to dress.