How to Clap Yourself and Why I — no, You! — Deserve It!

Photo by Filip Mroz on Unsplash

Among the deluge of inspirational think pieces on Medium, six words stand out: you cannot applaud your own story.

Like you, I first read these words by accident. Without my cursor even clicking the clap button, ‘You cannot applaud your own story’ hovered presumptuously into view like my mother’s ghost.

Let’s examine them from every angle, like a bloody stool.

So what if I had been planning to applaud myself?

Applauding myself — if I were to do it! — is just a form of self-care. Isn’t self-care the subject of a million wasted words on Medium? Come on, Medium! Get with the program! Let’s Queer Eye this motherfucker!

To its many, many critics, Medium is a glorified pyramid scheme lining the pockets of Tim Denning. Allowing writers at the bottom of the pyramid to applaud themselves — would I could! — would at least conceal the sordid reality that we are taking part in a rigged competition.

In the mortal words of my mother: we are born alone, and we die alone. I’ll be damned if I don’t applaud myself now and again while I’m straddling the grave.

One lousy clap! Just to kick things off!

In real life, there are no clap buttons. But for a much-needed boost to your self-esteem, you can provide your own applause offline.

Here’s how to clap yourself in three common situations. I — no, You! — deserve it.

1. You are in bed with a loved one. For once you pay more attention to her pleasure than is strictly necessary. As she approaches climax, you catch a moonlit glimpse of yourself in medias thrust in the bedroom mirror. Stop that sweet, sweet grind! Applaud yourself, for I — no, You! — deserve it!
2. You are making extravagant use of a vegan restaurant’s solitary unisex bathroom facility. For the last few days you have been taking better care of yourself — getting to bed on time, paying attention to nutrition, neglecting to self-harm. Then it happens. The perfect bowel movement. It doesn’t even hit the sides as it goes down. Stop — don’t grab that toilet paper! Applaud yourself, for I — no, You! — deserve it!
3. You are at your mother’s funeral. You watch the pallbearers lower the coffin into the grave. Your eyes sting at the haughty kiss of a northerly breeze. But it’s only wind. You don’t feel a thing. Stop those tears with your jacket sleeve! Applaud yourself, for I — no, You! — deserve it!

Should you find yourself drowning in the sewer of Medium’s inspirational think pieces, staring at the ghostly wave of the unclapped hands at the foot of your latest story, you know what to do.

Stop staring and stand up. Applaud yourself, for I — no, You! — deserve it.