Day 7

dionysus
dionysus
Nov 3 · 7 min read

It has been a week since the breakup. I am slowly but surely recovering, even though the hopeless wishful thinking that this is just a phase still lingers in the back of my head. The thing I realize about emotional recovery process is that it is never linear, never a straight line, and it is exhausting. One second I am fine and then the next I am on the floor, sobbing while singing to 'All Too Well’. That gets tiring and overwhelming, because it makes me feel helpless and crazy, and the roller coaster ride seems eternal. I truly just want to feel okay again.

But at least they’re not lying when they say time heals. It does, it really does. It has only been a week and I can’t believe I’ve gone this far in the recovery and I am so proud of myself.

For the first few days, I could not execute basic survival skills because it literally pained me to do so. It was painful to breathe, like I was being suffocated and choked by the sadness, and when it came to that point it felt as if death was a better option. With every breath I took, I inhaled the pain but never exhaled them back out. That’s what it felt like to me for the first few days, alive but barely breathing.

Another thing is that my appetite, just like my happiness, was gone- nowhere to be found. I felt nauseous all day and I could not eat; the thought of food alone made me gag. I had to force myself to eat so I wouldn’t faint, so I had soup once a day. I think beyond the biology of stress that trigger nausea, food holds a fond memory of our relationship. We are both foodies and we ate out almost 3x a week, our love for food bonded us. We love trying new things or returning to our favorite restaurants, so at this point even food reminds me of him, which sucks a lot.

In addition to that, I could barely sleep. I’d wake up every few hours and it sucks because waking up hurts each time, it still does. He’s been my first thought when I wake up on default and the realization hit within a milisecond, slapping me with another bitter truth yet again: he’s gone, no more. I used to love sleeping, but in the early aftermath of the breakup, I hated it. Sleep was a double-edged sword, it allowed me to briefly escape from the reality, and then each time I had to return to my consciousness, it’s like I was being stabbed with a thousand shards over and over again, when the earlier wound has not healed just yet. It was a painful feeling, really. Lying in bed alone, Just me and the realization that the love of my life is gone. No more seeing him after work or spending the weekend with him. Or falling asleep in his arms or going on a culinary trip together like we always did.

But now, a week later, everything is surprisingly starting to get better. I have been sleeping better even though waking up is still painful. My appetite is slowly coming back. Not so much, but it is much better as I don’t feel the nausea anymore. Breathing is heavy but it doesn’t hurt as much. There are times when I can tell my story without crying, when it used to be all the time. There are times when I feel better, and I made peace with the reality, even though it has not been permanent yet and the sadness still comes crashing at me like a tidal wave at any unwarranted moment.

This breakup made me realize a lot of things. First, is how strong I really am and how much being with him made me forget about that. During our relationship, my ex always made me feel protected and he did pretty much a lot of things for me, so I was spoiled and never challenged. He was my world, my everything, and I put him first. When he left, I was left with nothing and I was devastated. But now I am slowly I picking up my broken pieces and I am standing alone again, even though I do all that with a great struggle. I am so proud of me who did very well on my GRE practice exam, fuck, I am awesome for being able to force myself to do 100 questions while having to break down every couple minutes. Studying GRE alone is hard but doing it while going throught a heartbreak? Damn it, I am a warrior. I realized I didn’t have enough time to mourn and be sad, life wouldn’t wait for anyone. So I keep my head high and did what I needed to do; work, Arabic class, studying for GRE, doing applications, socializing.. it actually makes me feel invincible. I am slowly being my old self again.

Second, I realized how kind people are. Admittedly, when I was in a relationship, he was the center of my world. I would want to spend every free waking day with him and I didn’t care much about friendship. He was the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. It was a major mistake to make when I’m living far away from home and my best friends. I made him my only best friend in this city and he was also my strongest support system, so again, when he left, my world fell apart. But after the break up, I have been forcing myself to get out of my room to see people and to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to before. I’ve done a really great job so far and I am proud of myself. I also couldn’t help but to tweet my feelings, as writing a full post about it felt unbearable prior to this, and the responses I got was overwhelming. To me, tweeting is much less about gaining attention and more about expressing my thoughts, but I received such heartwarming responses, prayers, and constant support that I realize how kind people are and all this time I’ve forgotten that. I also receive support from the friends I’ve been half-heartedly seeing when I was not single, and it is amazing to see how much support I actually have. I am grateful.

Third, is the realization that I should have never loved him more than I love myself. He was my first and longest relationship, and I went in blindly. I loved him so much that I overlooked his flaws and I was willing to settle for much less than what I deserve. I became attached and dependent on him, which might have suffocated him over time. When I was with him I was so overjoyed that I forgot to love myself, as I felt like loving him was a way to love myself too and it became my greatest source of love. It was wrong, it really was wrong. I could and would never depend on someone else that much again, because people leave, people cheat, people lie, and people change. I can only fully rely on me and I am creating that new reality as we speak.

Fourth is to never give a second chance to a cheater, haha. Just don’t. The fact that he did that to begin with means he never respected me and he never really loved me. It was a great sign of a deteriorating relationship, at least on his side- and it takes two to tango, so I was basically doomed too. So when I was willing to give him a second chance, it is just the beginning to an end; an end that will hurt me even more, because at least to me, seeing him giving up on us when I’ve given him another chance and I’ve been putting so much effort to make things work hurts worse than finding out that he cheated on me. I owed it to myself to respect me but I didn’t, so now I have to pay the price, while rebuilding my self-love and self-respect.

Lastly, I realize how cruel he is. I understand that he wasn’t happy anymore towards the end, but he never had the courage to say it when he began to feel it, he just let it simmer. I had to spell it out for him and then he hit me like a trainwreck with the sudden breakup. He left me a day before our 19 months together, a week before my GRE exam, less than a month before my birthday. All while he knew how crucial this period of my life is for me, that at least until I finish my GRE exam, I would need my sanity and mental stability more than anything in this world. But people are selfish, so he left, even though he promised he would never do that and that the end of this relationship would be up to me, as he did me wrong so many times and I gave him another chance. He didn’t even care how much it would affect me. When I told him this would ruin me, he just kept apologizing while saying everything will be okay. Easier said than done, but I guess he was partially right because I’ve been holding on okay so far, far exceeding my expectations. What infuriates me is that at least he has his family and friends here so he can recover better, while he knows I have none and yet he left me alone. I know he doesn’t owe me that but at least after what we’ve been through together and what he had done to me, I deserve for him to treat me better and let me go gently.

All in all, I would just say that I am really proud of my progress so far. I have my future at stake and I cannot play around and let him ruin that too. I also like to believe that God’s rejection and intervention are God’s protection. There are so many flaws of his that I overlooked over the year and I am sure it will only go downhill from here. I believe, I have faith that despite how difficult this is for me today, it happened for the better. Maybe this time I have to relearn how to be my own saviour and how be independent again. Maybe this time it’s not about loving someone else, it’s about loving me and focusing on my self growth. The pain still hit me every now and then, but I know with every fall it is just an opportunity to rise higher. I will be okay. I will be happy again. You will too.

    dionysus

    Written by

    dionysus

    and just like planes: I always fly away