I’m now on mid sem break. It’s so liberating to not be on a schedule, you know. I know I’m probably gonna beat myself up after this for not studying. My psychology essay is minimized on Microsoft Word. I’m a real procrastinator and I am still talking about it. Sigh. I only I were half as efficient as some of the JPAs in school. The JPAs are a bunch of scholars in my college who are extremely academic. Some of them actually love studying. I do too. Just not the way Malaysia does it. It’s so exam based.

Which reminds me that I might be able to escape this system cos I might be going to California. I received the news two days before today. I was munching on my kompia while catching up with Alvina and Kevin when this email came in.

My phone decided to become unresponsive. Real great timing, bruh. I don’t know how many times I tried to log into UCLA. All I remember was that when I got through…

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coachella flashed into my mind

Parties

Riots

No. I kid. I mean, those things certainly did cross my mind but it’s exhilarating to know that this door has opened up to me. Sometimes I think people experience more when they are in love with an idea. It’s when they get into it that it fades. Reality sets in. We survive. Then we think up of other things that we want to do. We flirt with the idea in our minds and this stimulates the release of serotonin and dopamine and we get all high again. The human mind is very powerful. Before I went to the U.S., I think I was high on anticipation. Once I was over there, Americans were just like any other human being. When I went to Oxford and London too, people were still the same. I saw people wanting to fit in or wanting to be happy the way they though suited them. This was expressed by binge shopping, binge eating or being frugal cos simple living is what they thought made them happy.

I think history has witnessed people’s downfall and triumphs because of the human mind. I sometimes get into a philosophical mood and I start pondering solutions to the world’s problems. Aside from wanting to adopt as many kids as I can. I can’t help but think that if only humans decided to be more understanding and all agree on progressing the human race together then only can we eliminate most of our problems.

Ok, it’s a naive way of speaking but think about this: Hunger problems in the world can be solved if humans weren’t selfish and shared their food with others who don’t have enough to put on the table; Wars could end if everyone saw how it made sense to stop fighting and that we were decided in the first place because of differences that we were born into; the money I just spent for this coffee from Starbucks could have been used to buy chocolates for a child who has never had the privilege of tasting it.

It probably wouldn’t work in this world.

I’m so pessimistic

This is not me

Maybe realistic is the better adjective?

Now I’m thinking realistically pessimistic.

I just realized I didn’t really have a punchline to give you when I started writing this draft. And oh yeah, I don’t edit at all. So if there are errors, don’t mind them.

I want to go back to the writing about how we are more in love with ideas than actual stuff. Crushes have never work out for me. I’ve always said that I am a pretty content person. So I’m like if things are beyond your control, you can’t force it. I’ve witnessed how some of my friends actively pursue their love interest. And I’m very subtle when I like someone, I think. And feelings usually develop after I really know them and by that time, even though they might have liked me a little initially, they no longer like me as they think that I ‘m not interested. They even tell me about their crush and I’m like ok girl get a grip over yourself. Move on. And it happens to the next and the next and the next.

Much later on, I’ll tell myself that it was all in my head. That I was crushing on the idea of them. I usually find out things that don’t sit well with me about them later on. It’s possible that that is just my defense mechanism kicking in to protect myself from being hurt. I’m too rstional sometimes. I’ll be like nah, he totally doesn’t suit you.

What am I even doing? This is laughable. I’m sipping my starbucks, looking out of the window overlooking a busy intersection, waiting for inspiration. I really should get back to my Psychology essay. Till next time then.