Liquid courage

There is a hole in me that i refuse to acknowledge until im so messed up i don’t really realize im crying. There is a small part of me that wishes i could just express my feelings to my friends and family instead of bottling things up so full that i just collapse and am uncontrollable. I lack trust and self esteem to the point where i wonder if the lady behind me in the grocery store is making fun of my weight.

Most people would say well do something about it. But i shouldnt have to. I should be able to love myself and believe someone else can love me too. I should be able to act crazy and take pictures on a night out without having to feel in competition with everyone. But i cant. Its not in my cards.

The smiles on my face may seem genuine but in fact they are a mask for every dark thought i have ever had. The deeper the thoughts go the bigger the fake smile. But there is something about intoxication that gives me courage. The courage to love myself and put myself out there even if its as a joke. I get to feel just for a second what so many take for granted. Happy.

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