As I sat in the new members’ class with my ripped jeans and bright red 5-inch heels, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. The other woman attending the new members’ class sat beside me dressed modestly, answering all the questions correctly. Our teacher Sister Maxine obviously favored her. I didn’t let that stop me, however, it was off-putting. Here she was talking about celibacy, which at that moment I had no idea was a thing. I chuckled and asked her “What if you live with your boyfriend?” If looks could send people to Hell, this woman would have sent me with a one-way ticket. She inquisitively asked me, “Are you saying you live with your boyfriend?” “ Yes I live with my boyfriend, and I don’t think I want to be celibate. Can I still attend this church?” I asked shamelessly. She pushed her glasses up, with a look of concern and disdain. “You need to go set a meeting up with the pastor, right away.” She stated as if she wanted to drag me to his office at that moment. Now I went on to attend that church for 7 years and built a solid relationship with Christ. And ironically the Pastor of the church had me work with new members. Of course with opposition from Sister Maxine. But this was my first introduction to Toxic Purity culture.
As I dived head-first into the church world, one thing became clear to me, Purity is social capital in church culture. People wear it proudly and flamboyantly. I mean it comes up like name and label-dropping. I was so confused as to why and how this always came up. My thoughts were it’s no one’s business. This is between you and God. However, another thing I quickly realized in the church community is, Marriage is a major topic of most conversations. An obsession with when it will happen and preparing for it to happen as if it’s a graduation in Christianity. But that is a topic for another time.
What happens when purity is minimized to just not having sex? Jesus said it’s what comes out of a man’s mouth that defiles them. Matt 15:18 It seems to me Purity has become less about being Christ-like and more about social gain, image, and social status.
For example, the woman mentioned earlier was teaching a new member’s class and wrote me off because I was not celibate. In a space where I should have felt welcome and safe, I was met with judgment and shame. Her attitude towards me wasn’t pure at all. But there she stood ready to send me to Hell. If I wasn’t resilient it could have turned me away from Jesus and the church altogether. However, I genuinely was seeking a change in my life.
Does it matter that you’re not having sex if you are unforgiving, gossiping, and downright mean? Not having sex or being a virgin does not get you into the V.I.P. section in Heaven. But somehow this message is consistently and subconsciously spread through ministries.
I don’t have anything against celibacy, but the constant advertisement of it in ministries I believe is a little misleading and irresponsible. There is so much focus on women being pure/ celibate/ virgins. That we sometimes miss bearing the fruits of the spirit like love, joy, peace, forbearance gentleness, faithfulness, and KINDNESS. (Galatians 5:22) Maybe we spend a little more time giving context and speaking about how we can be more like Christ than letting everyone know or having to discuss what we aren’t doing in our intimate life. Just my thoughts.
