Feeling like shit, and trying to deal with it ):
When I decided to start this thing, I wasn’t expecting to write a post like this so soon. It might be a good thing, though. I don’t think anyone is going to read it. I mean… this is mostly for me. So if no one reads it, then I don’t have to worry about feeling guilty. Or worry about making people feel uncomfortable. I can just be me. Even when it gets ugly.
And boy do I feel ugly… or well shitty. I just feel very, very shitty.
I can’t really explain why, except that I just feel like I’m in this weird bubble today. This bubble filled with constant negativity, that makes me feel like an awful person. It’s proving difficult to talk to others. I’ll say hi or reply if greeted, by anything more than that is a constant struggle. If I try to talk, I can hear this tiny voice screaming inside my head. Telling my how much I suck, how I will never be capable of doing anything. Perhaps it’s not as much as a voice, but more like a feeling.
I always say my mind is my worst enemy, and it is. It’s things like this that constantly get to me. These feelings of worthlessness, followed by me wanting to do nothing but curl up into a ball.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I normal?
Sometimes I question if there’s something wrong. As much as I force myself to seek professional help, sometimes I can’t help but feel like it isn’t working. I feel like I need something more. I can’t put my finger on it exactly. Maybe if I had more friends in real life, I wouldn’t feel this way. If there was someone who would always be there to cheer me up, and offer my support when I feel like shit.
As much as I love some of the friends I made online, I don’t know if I could ever ask this of them. I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering them. Not to mention we all spend a lot of time for a reason. I don’t want my problems to interfere with another person’s escape from real life. I don’t want to disturb someone who might be looking to have a bit of fun doing something they love, just because I feel like shit.
Is it selfish? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being stubborn, and refusing to seek help from others when it’s right in front of me. Or the comfort being offered by those I talk to on a frequent basis.
Sigh… It’s so hard.
Socializing is difficult. And then I see people in real life talking to each other so easily, and without effort, and I crumple and fall. I feel so weak because I can’t be like that. I can’t be as outgoing as everyone around me appears to be, and I hate myself for it. I HATE MYSELF!
I seriously hate myself for not being able to socialize like a normal person.
And how to do I respond to these feelings. I close myself off, and go quiet for several days at a time. I don’t talk to anyone, not even my own family. I go into panic mode, and want to do nothing except hide from the world. And I hate myself for it.
In order to combat these feelings, I force myself to do something creative. I draw, try to do some digital art, write. I force myself to do anything. If it’s creative, then I want to do it. Art has always been the one thing in which I always have. It helps heal me more than anything else, not to mention it helps me forget. I can forget about everything that bothers me, and if all goes well I can pretend nothing happened. I can keep my struggles private, while not having to worry about bothering someone because I need to talk.
I realize it’s not healthy. This year I made a promise to stop that, and I think I haven’t done a horrible job. I’ve been pushing myself to be more social. Reaching out and approaching people first, when I decided I had something I wanted to talk about. Or ask about. Just a year ago, I never would have done that. I don’t what’s different. Maybe I’ve found a group of people who I feel more comfortable around. People who don’t seem to judge me, and want to talk to me despite my little awkward habits.
They say introverts only directly approach people who they like. So maybe, I’m slowly starting to realize that I really do like everyone who I have directly approached. I’m still not perfect, but it’s a start. That probably sounds stupid, but in the past I have found myself if I really do like certain people. Not to mention, I’ve wondered countless times whether or not someone is just playing at being nice to me. Instead of actually being nice, they’re just putting on an act because they think they have to.
I’m not going to lie. I hate that kind of fake kindness. It feels wrong, and in real life I can tell if kindness is real or fake almost immediately. There’s something about the way someone talks, that just makes them sound so fake. It’s easy to tell that they really don’t want anything to do with you.
Moving on. As shitty I seem to be feeling at the moment, I really do want to believe that this year is going to be a good year for me. Sure I might not be feeling social right now, but I bet if someone were to ask me what’s wrong tomorrow that I’d at least try to open up and respond. Even if I just shake my head and move on.
I hate myself for not talking, but I think I’m slowly getting better. I think. I just need to keep pushing myself to get out there. To take the first move, and just talk to other people. Even if it’s just saying hi, it’s something right? That alone tells me that I’m getting better. I’m forcing myself to get over whatever the fuck has been wrong with me for years. It’s just taking me longer than it may take others.
I just wish I didn’t feel so shitty and weak.
I really hope this week gets better for me. If not I’ll find some way to deal. I’ll hide away in my room drawing pictures. I’ll lurk on facebook to see what kind of funny images are on my timeline. I’ll find some way to make through.
I might feel like I hate myself right now, but it won’t last forever. Will it?
I’ll get over this thing eventually. It’ll just take some time. Until then, I just have to try to stay as positive as possible.
Yeah I’m pretty much done. I don’t know if any of this made sense, but it felt good to just let all these negative feelings out through this thing. I’m just sorry to anyone who actually reads this. I feel like I got kind of personal, and I don’t know if it would make others uncomfortable to read or not.
Awww… well. I’ll deal with the consequences, if I must.