Terrified of living
All these years I have done nothing to fulfill my life, I have done nothing to be remembered or even proud of myself for doing something that matters. I am not talking about doing something important to affect others life, I mean doing something that affected my own life. I have lived under the illusion that I was better than others, that I was smarter than others and it was okay for me to do nothing. I have not read enough, wrote enough, studied enough for anything, there was this voice at the back of my head that whispered false opinions and tricked me into believing that even though I was doing nothing that matters, I would have a great future, great destiny in my own way. Over the last year with what is going with my personal life and stuff I realized that I have spent the last 8–9 years of my life for nothing. I could have learned so much, create so much that I would have developed some parts of myself better than others but I didn’t. I have failed myself you know! My ego got the better of me and caused my own doom in a way that it is maybe too late for me now. Too late to become something else, someone else that I would have been proud. I have lived my life inside an illusion of grandness, that I was different. What I realized was that I wasn’t different, I was just another stupid person who spent his life for nothing even though they had to potential to be more. I think I have lost my faith, I stopped believing in myself, stopped believing in life. What is to come now? What is to happen? I seriously do not know, I don’t even feel like writing you know and writing was always my escape from reality. Last day I realized that I was living in the third order of simulacra for the past 8–9 years. I was escaping from reality with writing but I was not also producing anything that really matters, I was sitting in front of a computer and writing my feelings, my thoughts yet they conveyed nothing worthy, they became like a journal. A journal that consisted my inner thoughts yet I have destroyed or lost so many of my writings that I have seen that I did not care about them. Because I was using another simulation to get away from thoughts in my illusion. I was using writing to get away from reality but I was also running away from my writings, things that I have believed to be core of my problems by deleting them or not caring for them at all. How long I can run from these thoughts, these problems. I seriously do not know! I don’t even know, if I should run from them or face them. Maybe I am just afraid you know, afraid of failing myself in different ways. I have always found relief in my mind when I started living inside it, it was alone and quiet, and there was nothing to be worried in there. It took away my sorrow, my pain and a while later I was living there, all was part of an illusion that I cooked up for myself, I felt like the world around me was the fake one and I only needed myself, I only needed to be inside my mind. But a while later I have come to a realization that it was becoming darker and lonelier in my mind and the world I have created for myself wasn’t enough anymore. My subconscious was craving things that I was not ready for it. It was like a hungry monster who was starved for years and now it was free because I have lost control, because I have broken the illusion that imprisoned him. Now he is free and things that he wants things that are not easy to acquired, he wants an ordinary life. He wants the one thing I was afraid the whole time, the very same thing that let me to live in my mind for so long. My illusion of grandness crippled me, it filled my head with such vague ideas about the world that it let me to believe that ordinary life was not satisfying. Now the illusion has broken, I don’t know what to do, more importantly I don’t know if I am going to create an illusion for myself again or I am to let go! Let go of everything that made me who I am. Guess the question is, how do I live after this because I don’t think I have ever lived in reality you know? I am scared, you know what I am actually terrified.