Shocking Discovery of Mine

“We can’t choose, can’t we?”

Every great story starts with a big twist, something complicated or so simple that actually makes sense at the end, or it can start with afterwards of some big event. My story is not great, it is not interesting at all, it is actually pretty much very cliché and dull. My story starts with a simple man who is falling in love with a girl that he thinks he cannot get it, why does he thinks so? I have literally no idea, it is like some noise inside his head keeps telling him “not happening dude, back off”! Doubt is a very bad thing I guess, it makes you question things about yourself that you never before, and it makes you believe that your great qualities are actually your weaknesses. It changes you, it makes you want to give up on your dreams and your plans, and it lets you to be swallowed by agony and hopelessness. Now you are wandering why I think he can’t get the girl? Think about like this, what would you do if you knew the most beautiful girl on earth? If you say “I would go up and talk to her”, I would definitely say you are lying, you can’t even go up and talk to a regular girl in a bar, let alone you will talk to the most beautiful one in universe. You see this is stupid that noise in my head, he just won’t shut up for god’s sake, he keeps telling me reasons for me to not be able have her, he is relentless I must say.

I want to believe that I am a person who has increased sense of logic and emotions, really though I have incredible control over my emotions, because I trained myself for it. I make my decisions based on emotion and logic, considering the situations I will apply a simple logic to the equation and choose which of my traits I should use first such as, do I act emotionally or logically? I decide and act on my decision based on this, yet when it comes to her I can neither act emotionally or logically, I am stumped. I read her every behaviour, her every emotion but I cannot make a decision, I can’t really see inside of her like I do with the others. I don’t understand the things I see or make sense of them, are they just made up by my mind or heart to keep me happy and hopeful, or they are some trick that my fearful mind plays on me. One second I am the happiest person on earth thinking that there is a chance and one second I see something that destroys my hope. I cannot be sure with her, I can’t be sure what her behaviour tells me. I look at the same girl and same behavioural act yet I see five different things, five different possibilities, I don’t know, this is ridiculous. I don’t know whether to give up or keep trying, I don’t know am I to be patient or not. I can’t decide which makes me worst then already I am. This is what insanity feels like I guess, thinking something over and over again in order to come up with a solution yet not being able to find that solution. I am insane I guess because I am all out of ideas, I am upset if I don’t see her smile, I am upset if I can’t hear her voice or feel her warmth in my heart. I am upset if she is and happy if she is. I feel like my soul is emerging with her without she is realizing, I can see her pain yet I am not in a position to help, she just can’t know about it, she is not ready and I am not ready. I fear and I don’t even know what I am afraid off actually. Maybe afraid of losing her, maybe afraid that she might not need me at all, maybe I care too much, is that bad? Is this all because I care too much? I wasn’t always like this you know, I use to be a cynical bastard who doesn’t give a crap to anything, and I had no hope or purpose. Everything started to change little before I met her, later with her some major changes happened. She has no idea how much she changed me, inspired me to write again, now I am here writing in order to talk with my inner-self. I am doing this maybe I can find a solution, and believe me I am trying everything I can. I can’t just walk up to her and tell her that I love her, can I? No, I can’t because that will change too many things and there are too many obstacles and variables to consider, it is not logical or ethical to complicate things for her or me in this case. I must surely give up on this fantasy, but the more I push myself to forget everything, it comes back vividly, her smile and her eyes, her pretty hair and perfectly lined up cheek bones, her wits and her beauty. I remember everything she said, every nice conversation we ever had, every intimate moment and every problem we faced.

My friends cannot understand me because I am not normal, they are not normal, nobody is normal. Everybody has its own ways to deal with problems and this is mine, talking to myself, writing to myself like a crazy person to find a solution. I can’t consult to them at least not without revealing some part of her and I can’t do that. I can’t let anybody know who she is, her name must be kept hidden. It must be buried deep underneath my mind and heart so that no one hears. It is necessary, I can’t even tell you or myself why it needs to be hidden, but it must.