Judging alone…

I stir up.
The first thing I do is grab my phone to check what time of the day or night it is. Lately I have been in the graveyard shift and it is honestly near impossible for me to tell apart day and night. (Yes, I have taken special care to ensure that my room remains dark whenever I head to the bed)
It was 3 am. For once, I have not woken up after a peaceful 6 hours of rest. It was a couple of hours of disturbed sleep.
Turning around I realized that I was sweating like a pig; my tee sticking to by bra-less body. I knew that I was running a temperature. Again.
As I tried to put myself back to sleep, that is when it struck me yet again. I was a judgmental person. As I started tracing the origins of this, I found myself helpless. Was it when Neha told me in Class 12 that she wasn’t a virgin and I had a tough time comprehending the definition of a being a virgin? Or was it in Class 7 when I thought that I was smarter quizzer than Rahul because I hailed from one of the top convent schools and he was from the vernacular medium? Or maybe, it was in Class 2 when I judged Priya for secretly eating non veg when her family was complexly against it. Honestly, I do not know where the roots of this lay. All I know is that today the tree has grown so strong that it is impossible for me to shake it at all.
Somewhere in my 20s, my life would look perfect to many people; people who view it from a distance. Earlier in the day, in the course of a casual conversation my best friend bluntly told me that it’s high time I stopped judging people. To be frank, that was the moment when the intensity of it all hit me. It is true that I have always known that I was someone who judged others. Never had I been upset about that. Before I crashed for the night, this friend of mine told me that I had one of the best support systems and that there was no cause of worry. Indeed I saw eye to eye with him there. I was one lucky girl.
Yet now, as I lie tossing and turning in bed, I cannot help thinking how good life would have been had I not judged others. Most people who know me do not like me. They have their reasons for doing so and I am no one to comment on that. But, is it possible that they would dislike me less if I was a little less judgmental?
Most of us have their neighbor aunty who judges you for the clothes you wear, the time of the day you go out and the friends that you hang out with. I want to be anyone but that. Am I heading in that direction?
If I look back at my life today, the only reason why I have been able to face some of the biggest lows in life was because I have had the best of friends. With my judgmental attitude am I slowly pushing them all away one after the other? Isn’t it ironical how I do not give a thought about judging others and yet the thought of being alone is enough to send shivers down my spine. Now again, that makes me a weak woman, doesn’t it? And I hate weak people.
As I find tears making their way to my pillow, I am in a dilemma. Should I make a resolve to change myself? Or is it already too late? Or is it okay if I just keep judging others but make sure that the thoughts never find a release either through my mouth or through my pen? It does look like that as much as I try to walk into a happy and cheerful life the maze of dystopia just manages to suck me in with an intensity like that of the black hole. And you know the saddest part, right now I am judging myself for the same.