Fat Boy Problems
As I sit hiding in plain sight next to my boss at work, he exclaims to me how he envy’s my personal comfort level in my own skin. I smile politely and silently continue my internal suffering. He has no idea that my insecurities eat me alive, daily. I smile and joke, but little do others realize I am dying inside. I wear a smile as shield. I make fat boy jokes as a self-defense mechanism. The shadow of Depression consumes me by the minute. Fat boy problems I guess.
As I quietly tread closer to that oblong box, I admittedly realize that I am fat, sick, and slowly dying. I realize these are my choices. But, my personal resolve for life is softer than my mid section. I can’t help but feel inside out. Allow me to explain. I consciously understand my weight directly impacts my life and the quality therein. I understand that my health is my only true wealth. Yet I am stuck in a vicious circle of self destructive habits. I somehow have yet to overcome myself. But when? Fat boy problems I guess.
You can be anything you want in life. To this point I have chosen the fat boy life. My ongoing excuse has always been that I don’t have time. Really? What about the time you waste trolling around various social media accounts? While I might have most of the world convinced of my comfort, at the end of the day the only person I am lying to is I. I am the only one here at the end of the day. So why don’t I take care of myself? I need to stop being a victim of self-inflicted mediocrity and ruin. But how? Fat boy problems I guess.
I buy most of my clothes online to avoid the “Big and Tall” sections. Just short of 5 foot 10 inches, I am hardly tall. I avoid grocery stores because I am ashamed of what I have become. I rarely cook for myself. Consuming either take out or microwave. Both options only support a continued vicious circle. I love traveling, but hate the constraints of those tiny airplane seats. Embarrassed to ask for a belt extension, I avoid flying and settle for my couch. I guess I just don’t love myself. But why do I hate me? I need to discover this why, while I still have time. But why? Fat boy problems I guess.
At the end of the day, you need to make yourself proud. You must know your worth. You must stop and love yourself. For the longest time I felt these ideas were selfish. Now I realize they are necessary for a healthy life. Nobody can do it for you. You cannot buy your health. You must find yourself and love yourself. Then you have to go and reclaim life. The biggest barrier to overcome now is instant gratification. You must realize it took you (insert your age here) years to get here. You cannot undo years of damage overnight. Fat boy problems I guess.
Man in the Mirror, you’re way out of order. When you die young, who will look after your daughters? They deserve to have their father. You deserve to have yourself. Now, go and find yourself. You deserve the peace you will find. You deserve the health you will receive. You are worth it. You are fucking awesome! Just imagine what change would look like. Now, how does that work out if you don’t change? Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Only you decide which hard you want. Never mind those Fat boy problems, bury them quickly before they bury you.