I have something to say to the nation, something I’ve got to get off my chest, and I have to say it right fucking now. For the past 6 months, since Trump’s election, the whole country has been suffering from a national psychosis. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, he’s a maniac, a racist demagogue, and a lot of other nasty things. And he’s brought out some of the nastiest elements of racism, misogyny and militarism that lurk beneath the American surface.
The horrors of Charlottesville, daily protests in every major city in America, and a rage so visceral it blinds the eyes and makes the head ache. We’re screaming at each other, in person, on the TV, and over and over and over again on the Internet.
The whole thing is so damn ugly. We’re actually all suffering from schizophrenia, and as goes America, so goes the world. It’s out of control, really, the whole freaking planet is having a nervous breakdown. Those storms, hurricanes, and earthquakes that ravaged Texas, Mexico and the Caribbean? Probably global warming, but possibly related to the worm hole created in the time space continuum by Trump’s horrific ascendance.
And the agonized looks on TV news anchors faces as they report for the eight hundred thousandth time on Trump’s latest Tweet, those are also due to the Trump effect. It’s spread like a cancer from the White House to Mar a Lago, and from sea to shining sea. The whole country has had a half-year long hangover, like we went on a bender after a bad break up and woke up six pints of vodka later with a throbbing head that felt as if a thermonuclear test had just been conducted inside our temples. That’s what’s Trump’s election has wrought on America.
And around the world? It’s just as bad. In Spain they’re putting up statues of the Holy Spirit, with a spear thrust at Trump’s neck. In China, the Great Wall is crumbling, the foundation rotting from within due to Trump’s malignant energy poisoning the earth’s soil. In Mexico, people say three hail mary’s at confession, and throw in a “Fuck Trump” before they leave the booth. In North Korea, they’re — well, actually, North Koreans are suffering so badly under Kim Jong Un’s dictatorship that they’re not even allowed to think or feel anything, so they simply rejoice at the latest nuclear test and hope they’ll have two potatoes in their government dinner ration tonight instead of just one.
In France, the cheese is melting, and in Great Britain the scones are getting moldy. From Africa to Asia to Latin American and across the developing world, the whole world is in a collective state of lunacy. No one wants it to be true, but we all know it is.
There are a few pockets around the world where people are flourishing. In the Philippines, the thuggish murderer Duterte is enjoying Trump’s ascendancy. In Russia, Putin has a hedonistic caviar and vodka disco house party every single day, he’s so freaking overjoyed at Trump’s election. Basically, the dictators and scumbags around the world have taken comfort at Trump’s ascendancy. It gives them cover, someone to blame for their own miserable failings to deliver on economic development, human rights, freedom, or just a better life for their own people. So they rejoice in Trump, and their people continue to suffer under their maniacal rule.
Back here in the US, people smile less. There’s a little less joy in daily routines. Everyone is so charged up, dug so deep in their positions, staking a major claim to the moral high ground. And for me there is really only one claim to be made, which is that Trump has to go. He has to go, and he has to go now, if only so we can all go back to our regular lives.
I’ve actually developed a deep-seated anger that courses through my veins morning noon and night. I just can’t fucking believe that half the country voted for this motherfucker. I mean really? Really? It’s just such a horrible fate to contemplate. You wonder what the hell those people were thinking. Because it wasn’t just your KKK, Aryan army survivalist types who voted for Trump. It was also regular John and Joe, Susan and Marge, and Barry the slightly off computer tech guy shopping for khakis at Walmart. They’re all guilty, they’re all complicit in this national nightmare that has roiled our innards and shredded our souls.
OK, yes, they’re Americans, I’m an American, we’re all Americans, I get it. But still. I mean still. How can you support a dude who declared war on half the country (women), 1/8th of the country (African-Americans), 1/7th of the country (Hispanics), and other large segments of the general population including gay Americans, poor people, anyone on government assistance or subsidized health care plans, and just about everyone who has a heart and cares about their fellow citizen.
Because that’s what Trump did, he declared war on all those people. And by my calculation, that’s a lot of fucking people. Like, most of the country, I think. So it’s hard for me to have much sympathy for these folks, and for the infection in the body politic they’ve caused. The wound is growing, getting more rabid, and it needs to be excised, and excised soon. Like, yesterday would be a good start.
There’s just no other way to say it. The man has given the world cancer, and it’s time for a major course of global chemotherapy to get rid of every last metastasizing cell of this motherfucker. His hair. His orange complexion. His gut. All of it has to go. I can’t even stand to look at this guy’s face anymore, and I’ve mostly stopped watching TV news. I stay off the Internet as much as possible too, because it’s all Trump, all the time. Every tweet, every handshake, every mindless brain fart that comes out of the mouth of this juvenile asshole is breathlessly reported on a thousand fucking channels and the entire Internet.
I’ve actually taken to doing digital detoxes, where I take 30 minutes or an hour or some amount of time and have no screens. No phone, tablet, laptop, or TV. That’s the traditional digital detox. I add to it by doing no music or reading either. Just me, alone with my thoughts. And can I tell you something? It’s incredible. It works wonders, just chills me the hell out. All the crazy Twitter Instagram CNN New York Times Trump crap racing around my brain settles down, and I’m able to focus on the things that really matter. Like what I’m going to have for dinner. Will I cook Chinese-style chicken with four peppers? Or will I order? And why was it so warm today? Do the Mets have a chance to turn things around next season? Will my upcoming Saturday date actually lead to something real, or will it be another wasted hour of intense yet semi-artificial chatter? And how’s my mom doing today? Is her back feeling any better? Can I save enough money to take that trip to Spain I’ve been dying to take? These are the kinds of things that populate my mind, in a nice, chill, slow, warm, languid way, during these digital detoxes. I think the whole nation would benefit from trying one out. It really could chill us out.
And does Trump deserve all this global attention? Not one fucking bit of it. He’s a waste of time and space, taking up good air that could go to feeding lunch to a poor child, or powering a factory by the sun instead of fossil fuel. There are so many good places and things that could be reported on, so many good stories to tell. Instead we’re subjected to Donald’s bullshit, all day, every day, 24/7 for 252 days, 9 hours, six minutes and counting so far, according to howlonghasdonaldtrumpbeenpresident.com. Seriously, that’s a real website. Which tells you something.
I mean the man has nothing of value or import to say. He wants to bomb North Korea. Well OK, but what happens to our ally South Korea, and Japan too. He wants to take away Obamacare. Well OK, but what happens to the 20 million people who gained health insurance through Barack’s flawed yet still momentous signature piece of legislation?
He wants NFL players to stand for the anthem, to not disgrace the military by taking a knee. Well OK, but what about their right to free speech, and what about the even more relevant and fucking important fact that the national anthem wasn’t written or intended to be played to honor the military, but instead to celebrate American victory over the British at the Battle of Baltimore during the War of 1812. Get your facts straight, loser.
Grab her by the pussy, he says. What about 12-year old girls looking for guidance from the most powerful person in the world? Is that what we want them to hear? Not me, I don’t want them to hear that shit. It’s an absolute disgrace, is what it is.
And cuddling up to the KKK, the Aryan army and all those maniac groups? That’s just some evil, completely evil shit. It sets the country back 50, 100 years, as if the civil rights struggle never occurred. It’s not just a bad look, Donald, it’s an act of criminal malfeasance against progress, equality, enfranchisement and democracy itself.
What else? Just today he gave a speech to the National Association of Manufacturers and announced he wants a “giant, beautiful, massive tax cut.” In particular, he wants to lower the corporate tax rate. Um, that sounds nice, but the evidence shows that corporations don’t actually take those tax savings and reinvest in job creation, innovation or higher wages for their workers. No, they pocket the money, send it to shareholders, and buy yachts with what’s left over. So no thank you, Donald, no thank you very much.
And what about disaster response, as in helping all those suffering Americans in Houston, Florida and especially Puerto Rico? The Donald claims he’s doing a great job, just tremendous. But meanwhile, the island burns, people loot, and citizens — they are American citizens, let’s not forget this — are dying. They need food, water, shelter, gasoline. Basically they need everything. And Donald isn’t getting it to them.
But you can bet your ass if the hurricane hit Mar-a-Lago, you’d have all five branches of the military, Homeland Security, the State Department, and just about every fucking federal agency in existence working on the response. So get your ass in gear, Mr, President, and help our fellow American citizens. They need relief, and they need it now. Do it. Just do it. Because people are waiting in long lines just to get water, and that’s an existential situation. As in, without water, you will cease to exist. So put the military in charge, do what the Puerto ricans are requesting, and get the train rolling. We can’t let the island suffer any longer, we just can’t. It’s a moral obligation, is what it is.
And what about the environment, because in the long run if the planet blows up none of this matters and we’re all dead anyway. That’s precisely where we’re heading, with global warming literally threatening to screw us all in the ass and end our lives at the same time. And what does The Donald say about global warming? First it was a Chinese hoax, then it was real, now it’s not real again. Whatever his latest view is, the fact is he’s pulled the US out of the Paris Accord, which was far from enough to save the planet but enough to get us started on a reclamation project.
And he wants to build more power plants, burn more coal, and scale back environmental regulations across the board. Well, that’s the wrong move, Donald. It’s the wrong move for the country, for the world, and most importantly for the planet. Because global warming is real, and it’s gonna take us all to hell. Ask Houston, Puerto Rico or the Virgin Islands about it. If you can reach them. They’re having trouble taking calls right now, what with the power out and the infrastructure completely destroyed. So get with the program dude, like right now, or else we’re all screwed. Seriously.
He speaks in adolescent sentences. Everything is tremendous, awesome, great. FEMA did “a really good job” in Puerto Rico. And Frederick Douglas, perhaps the most famous black abolitionist and suffrage campaigner of the 19th century, who’s also been dead over a century? “He’s done an amazing job, and is getting recognized more and more, I notice,” says the Donald. So he’s reduced a deceased national icon to some shmoe who just put together a good excel presentation.
Well that’s just tremendous, Donald. But actually it’s awful, absolutely fucking awful, is what it is, you loser.
He uses his kids as props. The beautiful Ivanka, who everyone swears is the most brilliant and competent person in the room. Move her as Knight to B3. Donald Junior? Well he had that screwup with the emails, but that’s OK, Donnie senior had his back. Mostly. Because he “he’s a good boy.” So move Don Jr as castle A1 to A5. Eric Trump? We don’t really here about him much, he’s kind of the not-so-sharp cousin who hangs around the dinner spreads and doesn’t say much. Then there’s Tiffany, his daughter with Marla Maples, wife number two. She’s 23, pretty, and a Georgetown law student. During the campaign there were rumors that she wasn’t down with Donald’s program. But then she came out and endorsed him on 20/20. So she’s no good either.
And finally we have Barron. He’s 11, and it’s speculated that he has autism or some type of learning disability. He lives in New York. During the inauguration he struggled to stay awake and gave a noticeable yawn as Donnie was sworn in. And also, true story, my friend’s friend used to tutor Barron in Manhattan, and he said he was remarkably well adjusted for such a famous child. So we give him a pass, I think. He sounds like a good kid, and he’s innocent of his father’s sins.
And that leaves us with Melania, the beautiful Slovenian goddess who has not, repeat not, captured the nation’s heart. I mean, she has an accent, but that’s not the reason the nation shuns her. And I give her a pass on the accent anyway. Very few Americans can speak Slovenian, so she’s way ahead of us.
But she’s just so… vapid is the only word I can think of. She sends Dr. Seuss books to an elementary school in Cambridge. Anything else, Melania? How about some funding for our underfunded inner city schools and urban cores. That would be nice, it really would. There’s a lot more about her that bothers me, but you get the idea. Michelle Obama was all passion, grace and elegance. Melania is all ice, cheap thrills and platitudes.
So the whole family is one fucking walking human catastrophe of power, privilege and oblivious entitlement. I’m so done with them. As in, exit stage left, Trump family, like now, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
What the nation really needs right now is to take a Valium. Actually, take 3. Just take a deep breath and stop for a moment, assess the situation, see where we’re at, where we go from here, and how we get out of the mess we’re in.
What the answer to that is I’m not sure. I do know it means that Donald has to disappear. And while we’re at, let’s not have Pence or Ryan replacing him either. But this isn’t about them. This is about Donald Trump, 71 years old, billionaire real estate developer, reality TV star, and of late President of the United States. The man who has given the country and the world a heart attack, stroke and breakdown in one fell swoop. And we don’t need that kind of stress. We just don’t need it. So Donald, I beg you, I beseech you, for the good of the country, for the good of the world, and for the health of the planet, exit stage left. As in, get the fuck out. And never come back. Never fucking ever.
So that’s all I’ve got to say, America. Thanks for listening, and here’s to better days. Let’s hope that we wake up tomorrow, or next week, or next year if it absolutely must be, and The Donald is no more. Until then, let’s all remember to stay chill, stay calm, and keep it moving. Happy days will be here again.