I’m sitting here on a park bench in torn jeans, a beanie, and a jacket thinking, “what’s the word for how I feel?”
Incomplete fits so I do a quick search and don’t turn up what I’m looking for. So I type 'feeling incomplete' into Medium and find your article.
How much I agree with you. How much I feel that pain of being an unwanted child in a family that resented you. I was not adopted, but I was my father’s fourth kid, from his second marriage. And I was treated better than everyone by my parents, so everyone grew to resent me.
My dad was violent and angry to my brothers, but gentle to me. My mom was very protective over me and fought with the rest if my family to keep me safe.
As a result, I was made fun of constantly, picked on by brothers twice my age, and ridiculed for liking things they considered “gay.”
Now, as a 27 year old queer man, I can tell you, it gets incrementally better the further removed from it you get. By putting more and more walls between myself and that childhood experience, I get through most days as a functional adult.
But there are some days, like today, where I don’t. Some days where I hurt. I want to cry. I browse the internet looking for something, something, to heal, but never finding it.
Good luck on your quest for resolution. Sending you love,