Being Borderline and how it affects my life; or a week in the life of a BPD sufferer. July 17th-23rd 2017.

Joey Holmes
Jul 25, 2017 · 5 min read

So, I recently told the story of my diagnosis here: https://medium.com/@cthulhucorvidae/being-borderline-or-how-i-lost-and-found-myself-all-thanks-to-my-appendix-db3f85e7d59b

But diagnosis and daily life are two things entirely separate from each other. Quick introductions, I’m 30. I was diagnosed at 28 (average for diagnosis is 14) so trying to re-train my brain after 30 years is HARD. I live in a house share and have few friends and my remaining family live abroad. Onto the week…

Monday 17th. I awoke at 5pm, which is normal for me, being agoraphobic sleeping through the day limits my needing to go outside and when I absolutely have to it’s easier in the dark. I scheduled an appointment with my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) for the Wednesday and began the panic of realising I had to go outside and make human contact in the same day. My roommate picked up some groceries for me. Around 11pm I went outside for a smoke and lit some incense. I went to bed after taking my meds at 3am.

nightly crazy pills

Tuesday 18th. Can’t remember when I woke up but I woke to a text from my brother whom I haven’t spoken to since Christmas asking how I was and we spoke a little. He asked if I was returning home to Leeds to visit my mothers grave on the 10 year anniversary of her death. I explained I was sick and we agreed to facetime him laying flowers and sitting there a while. This triggered the start of a depressive cycle and I couldn’t sleep. 4am rolls around and I remember I needed my CPN to countersign my passport renewal and stamp my bus pass application. I find all the crap I need put it in my bag and manage maybe an hours sleep.

Wednesday 19th. My appointment was at 1:30pm and I set my alarm for 12:30pm draw my eyebrows on, get dressed and order a taxi and arrive my usual 30 minutes early (I can’t bear being late, the thought of it triggers a panic attack) we chat a little about how I’ve not been doing great recently self harming more than usual and my self care had dropped. He said “we think you might benefit perhaps from a self section if you want, and upping your medication as well as joining the group for long term incurable disabled people”… Firstly when he says “we” it pisses me off, he means himself and my consultant psychiatrist Dr Slater. Secondly the use of the word ‘disabled’ kind of floored me, I knew I was sick but I hadn’t realised that I was indeed disabled, and the bus pass I’d been told to apply for was a disabled persons bus pass (which I was granted), I denied but thanked for the offer of a self section. I think it was anticipated the discovery of being disabled would trigger me off, and it did. Just not then. I had to post my passport and bus pass applications and decided to walk down the road and do it as I needed processing time of my new ‘status’. I posted the stuff, picked up some groceries (a seriously rare thing) and got the bus home and collapsed in bed. Skyping several friends in the evening and informing them of how the day went. I had night terrors all night (my night is from 4am-5/8pm).

saw him on my walk to the post office. Need him.

Thursday 20th. This was a hazy, numb day, I was beginning to process not getting better and being both physically and mentally disabled. I didn’t feel it, or did I? I mean it’s far from normal not being able to leave the house for social activities and going weeks without human contact and surviving on pain medication. Speaking of pain medication I ha done an electronic request for my medication and go to the chemist across the road, they recognise me and tell me to take a seat but half my prescription is missing (the half I need) and I have to call and ask the to fax it, (I also have issues with phones and was getting seriously stressed at the things missing and having to call) it gets sent within 20 minutes and I head next door to Sainsbury’s to treat myself and notice an attractive guy side eyeing me while I’m checking out, thinking he somehow psychically knows I’m mental. Turns out he was checking me out and messaged me on a dating app we’d matched on. He said I looked amazing without making up and it was refreshing to see a ‘natural beauty’ something which amused me considering I had drawn on green eyebrows… Sleep comes easily tonight.

Friday 21st. Another bad day, can’t pinpoint what has caused the depression but I recognise it as the start of a severe and sharp downward spiral. I get a text saying my passport will be delivered by 8th August which is crazy (hah) fast for a passport renewal and it means I can go visit my Grandparents (technically parents as they adopted me) and when I’m there I de-stress and generally find everything MUCH easier. I will paint or knit and can tolerate visiting places with just Valium and a minor stress. Also my bus pass application had been approved. Next step is a rail card. It’s weird, travelling though the act is stressful the destination is not. I guess that’s a metaphor for life. I skype with a good friend with whom I have a crush on, and take advice from Master Jedi (someone who has been a mentor figure in my life) who encouraged me to share my story, and rediscover my love for writing. Even if no-one reads this it helps me to get everything out.

Saturday 22nd. It’s raining heavily and my roommate informs me my groceries are in. I hadn’t planned on going out but I was actually invited out for once which boosted my confidence. I might have gone if it wasn’t pissing it down or Tramlines festival which means thousands of people at every pub which has live music, my idea of HELL. I do a makeup look and post it to instagram which is an inclination to maybe feeling better usually I’ll sit in the dark watching documentaries. I still feel off about the whole disabled thing but I was informed by email I now had full access to the duty team 24/7 which means if I have an out of hours crisis (which 99% of them are) I can speak to an actual CPN rather than the crisis team which are volunteers. I sleep with ease.

Sunday 23rd. I feel so numb. I don’t want to move from bed. And I’m not going to. I am suppressing HUGE urges to self harm and I don’t know whats triggered it. I am going to take more Valium to sleep it off and hope tomorrow brings more calm. I self harmed and ended up in the hospital with the duty CPN and I was treat with dignity and respect and I was driven home and snuggled into my duvet falling into a broken and nightmare filled sleep.

    Written by

    30, Sheffield, UK. Lover of all things green and cephalpody.

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