why i don’t like going to trans support group meetings

as i write this i am upset, so the opinions and facts might be skewed. but it is because i am upset that i want to write this. because this is not the first time i’ve left a transgender support group meeting more upset than i was going in.

i’m upset because yet again all that was talked about was hormones, different types of hormones, doctors, different types of doctors, loughlinstown hospital, different experiences with loughlinstown hospital, the history of surgeries, how to get surgeries, and finally different types of surgeries.

inside i’m overwhelmed by images of patriarchal doctors prescribing jekyll and hyde formulas to alter my being. this talk brings images of invasive surgeries to intimate areas of my body. and it makes me feel like this is the only legitimate way to be transgender.

i’m upset because there were several older transwomen lecturing the room about how all that bad shame about being transgender is gone. and then how shortly afterwards the one other non binary person who is transitioning medically told the room they wouldn’t mention the word non-binary to their doctor because “they just wouldn’t get it” and might refuse them treatment.

and my parents keep who i am under a shroud of mistrustful secrecy. and the transgender council of elders releases ads and articles that exclude and deny diversity in the transgender community. and how when i ask people to use gender neutral pronouns i’m often met with the feeling this is too weird a request for them to process.

i know that i’m meant to wait patiently, be the change i want to see, wait for non binary identities chance to softly assimilate. because i need this community, this support, the advice and understanding of people who are struggling in a similar way. but there are so many ways our struggle is different.

i’m upset because before i left a trans woman who presented very masculine had been taking up as much space as she could and then lectured the room for 20 minutes uninterrupted about how being transgender is such a lonely experience and about her schizo-affective disorder and her trips to a and e and orwellian psychiatric services. while we all sat and listened to someone so institutionalised they can’t relate to anything but medicine and diagnosis and treatments.

this is not all i am, i am not just a body, i am a soul, i am a heart, i am a collection of memories of sexism and patriarchy and struggle toward self-acceptance. and this is why i don’t like attending transgender support groups.