MICROSOFT’S TOP SECRET TECH JOURNALIST DOSSIER

ENTRY #7982

Writer: [Redacted][But Probably You]

PROFILE: [Redacted] is a somewhat whiney technology journalist who smells vaguely like hotel moisturizer and barbecue almonds. He writes long — very, very long — articles that no one but close family members read to completion. He thinks he’s an expert on topics ranging from wireless networks to artificial intelligence to Black Lives Matter to Super Marios 1 through Sunshine to David Chang.

[Redacted] has 1,645 followers on Twitter. Half are Microsoft PR employees.

[Redacted] occasionally makes YouTube videos about bacon and various Frito Lay™ snack foods. It does not appear he is compensated for that content.

[Redacted] talks a lot of crap about Buzzfeed but he definitely reads Buzzfeed.

[Redacted] graduated from Northwestern University, would like to move to Brooklyn, but it won’t still be Brooklyn, if you know what we mean, by the time he does.

[Redacted] will often offer critical feedback on Microsoft designs, with illuminating observations like that they’re “sexy” or “slick” or “kinda bulky” or “straight out of Mad Men” or “futuristicky.” Please bear in mind that [redacted] decorates his house with Dragonball Z memorabilia.

[Redacted] gave an 89% to the limited edition Halo 4 Master Chief Figurine Set, though.

[Redacted] enjoys the open bar at press events. A lot. Three cranberry vodkas in, and [redacted] is prone to mention his private, partially-memorized BoJack Horseman fan fiction, that time Nick Denton retweeted him, being 30, or, in his darkest moments, tearful admissions to ex members of the Windows Mobile team that he still uses an iPhone, but “is really thinking about switching — do you guys still have Nokia or what?”

[Redacted] sometimes makes comments on social media that at first glance appear to be very witty, esoteric jokes, but upon further evaluation, actually make no sense to anyone.

[Redacted] wishes he got into Bitcoin earlier, and Apple earlier, and as he sobs into the blouse of one of our female staffers, his lips stained crimson with the tides of Ocean Spray, we think it’s more a missing his mom thing than a thing to contact HR about.

But to be on the safe side, don’t make eye contact.