The Alt-Right is Slandering My Father’s Beautiful Creation, Babar by: Jacques de Brunhoff

My father’s sweet Babar

My father made Babar. He invented him to be a friendly and kind elephant king and filled many empty white pages with his wondrous exploits. Now I am told that a group of political villains with nice haircuts called “the alt-right” have claimed my father’s wonderful Babar as their cartoon mascot and are spreading disgusting slanders about him. I will use this space to explain that the terrible ways they depict my father’s sweet Babar are filthy lies from hell’s furnace. Thank you.

Babar Is Not Nude!

The enormous Babar always wears a green suit of the finest clothing. It is nice and decent. He is not nude with visible genitals like in the false images spread by alt-right toilet men on the internet. I am told the purpose of these filths is to show that Babar has “an intact Christian foreskin.” Sadly, my great father never wrote of Babar’s circumcision, so I am powerless to contradict this particular foul claim even as it drives me to vomit.

The Sweet and Remarkable Babar Does Not Hit Lesbians with His Car

The alt-right sinners have made multiple “memes” of Babar striking and running over lesbian and bisexual women in his bright red car. This is false and also I am crying. My father made Babar use his car to tour the countryside and visit friends. It is not Babar’s weapon to kill kissing women and then say out loud to nobody, “Hell yes, compadres! Babar did the awesome thing again!” Babar would not speak that way.

Babar is Not Married to Olive Oil from Popeye

I am paralyzed with respect for the work of Popeye creator E. C. Segar and curse the alt-right cretins for dragging his iconic sailor cartoon into their sewer of garbage and stool. Babar is not married to Olive Oil and they do not “propagate the white race” on a pile of Chinese people’s skeletons. My immaculate father would never write such a thing, even at gunpoint.

Babar’s Eyes are not Two Constantly Spinning Swastikas

Babar’s eyes are black ink dots into which we inject our own humanity. Not once were they two rotating swastikas like I saw in an accursed alt-right video where a cash register noise played every time Babar stepped on a Koran. When I saw this dishonest video, I immediately did a prayer to the Lord, God that He rip out the eyes of my father’s angel, that he might never see his treasured elephant brought so low.

The name BABAR Does not Stand for “Beautiful Aryan Brotherhood Achieves Revenge” It is just a nice fun name that children can remember.