Looking Back on 2015
I have had a lot of easy years, but this was not one of them.
The year started out with a fertile bang, suspecting I was pregnant for a couple of days before confirming it in a hotel bathroom in Santa Monica. The situation was more awkward than you’d think, given that I was sharing said room with my boss. Imagine me, screaming in excitement in the bathroom without making a sound, texting photos of the pee stick to my husband, walking calmly back to bed without saying a word to my manager. That was definitely awkward.
Then set in the morning sickness. Never in my life had I felt such debilitating nausea. Every day from morning until night for four months straight, I felt utterly awful. Working was hard, my social life took a hit, and all my brilliant plans to keep exercising throughout pregnancy went down the shitter. I finally got a magical drug concoction that made it all bearable, but it contained Unisom and made me exhausted all day (on top of the typical exhaustion one experiences while making a human.)
Meanwhile, we were trying to sell our house and buy a new one. This was a complete nightmare. I fell in love with the house of our dreams and our offer was rejected, despite being above asking. I have never cried over a house before, and though I’d like to blame hormones…I think it was mostly unrelated. Our first sale on our home fell through, and the second one ended up being a giant clusterfuck that required us to pay for all sorts of repairs we didn’t expect to pay.
During all this, I found out that a couple of my friends were saying hurtful things behind my back and had been for years. I cut that relationship off and made a commitment to myself to spend more energy on the positive friendships in my life. This was a burden that felt good to move on from.
After moving into our new house, we were riddled with problems. There was a leaking faucet, a rat infestation, our dogs were fighting with the neighbor dogs through the fence so we had to get new fencing. Electrical problems, a leaking roof, new carpet because of dog urine and skunk smell, you name it. We felt cursed.
As soon as we moved into the new house, our four year old Boxer (and my favorite dog on the planet) got sick. She had two surgeries to remove tumors, bounced back for a little while, and then was diagnosed with gastrointestinal lymphoma. We spent thousands in chemotherapy treatment for her, hoping to get another year but only got two short months. She survived long enough to meet our son when he was born, but died a month later to the day on October 23 just a couple weeks shy of her 5th birthday. Today, I still feel intense sadness when I think of her. I don’t regret the chemo, but I wish we could have been more attentive in her last month with a newborn. I miss her so much, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop hurting.
But the birth of my son took us out of a painful months-long rut. My labor was challenging and resulted in c-section, my son wasn’t breathing for a bit when he was first born. But Henry Joseph Sigmund arrived on September 23 and was such a miracle to meet. He has been the brightest light and has changed our life for the better in so many ways that I can’t even describe. He set me on a new course and offered me so much to hope for and look forward to in 2016. I am so grateful for getting to spend three months of maternity leave with him.
I don’t know what 2016 will hold. I moved my horse to a new ranch 5 minutes from my house and I am looking forward to riding her more. I am eager to get my physical fitness back and hike some mountains. I hope to do fulfilling work for my career and launch my own business and be the best mother I can possibly be. Onward!