CurioussmilingPigeon
Sep 2, 2018 · 10 min read

Be your own cheerleader- treat yourself with the same kindness as you would a friend

Sept 2, 2017 on left, July 23, 2018 on right ( This is not a weight loss transformation picture, this is a mental transformation picture and what self-love can do for you)

Today I am going to share something personal and close to my heart- what I learnt about myself in my first year of motherhood.

As soon as I became a mother, that moment when my baby was taken out of my body and placed on my chest (I had a C-section), it was a moment I will never forget. Elation and self-doubt washed over me, over and over. I couldn’t believe that the baby whom I had talked to for 9 months and whom I had imagined in my mind was actually in front of me. Even today, after more than a year, this is the greatest miracle for me and always will be I think. I experienced shortness of breath almost as soon as the surgery started and so my face was covered with a mask. I wasn’t really able to look at my baby properly in that first moment. But then I removed the mask, and looked at her. She looked right back. I imagined how she must be feeling at that moment- taken out from her comfortable, familiar environment and placed in this new world, where everything and everybody was new. Then why was I so scared?

Soon after the surgery, I was wheeled into a comfortable room I was sharing with another patient. There was a curtain in between but I could hear all the conversations. The other patient too just had a baby but via normal delivery. She too had come to the hospital that day and was going home with her new baby the very next day. I had to stay for four days, till my body functions would resume. For no fault of mine or hers, somehow I felt less, defeated, like I had failed somehow.

Those first few hours immediately after the surgery are a blur now. I didn’t really make any effort to immortalize those moments either. I refused all pictures except one with my baby. And when I saw that photo, I hated the way I looked- all puffy and like a train had just run over me. I hated this weak image of myself. My surgery started around 10 in the morning on a Tuesday and in just a few minutes, my baby was handed over to me. By around 11.30 am, I was already in my room, recovering from child birth. Less than six hours later, I was walking in the corridor outside. I took one round of the floor. But I still remember those first few steps- they felt like an elephant was sitting on my uterus. Each step felt so very hard but I had read and heard that walking and becoming active soon after the surgery would help in a faster recovery and so even though they were the hardest steps I had taken in my entire life, I was very determined in making one full round.

As I came back, I held my daughter again, who was right next to me in her mobile crib. Nursing somehow came naturally to her and me. I was blessed that we didn’t struggle at all. The nurses were very helpful and understanding. After the birth of my child, I have a new found admiration for this profession- they are selfless and take care of you when you experience a miracle but also are at your weakest emotionally and physically. I couldn’t lie down after my surgery for nearly 48 hours. I had a catheter attached and so I couldn’t go to the bathroom. Every few hours, a nurse would stop by to empty the bucket underneath. She would smile at me and ask me how I was and just that made me cry.

After the birth of a child, the focus of everybody shifts completely on the baby, forgetting the mother who too has had one of the biggest moments of her life and is fighting a battle inside her, alone. Suddenly I couldn’t even pass my own urine and I was invisible. I felt like I didn’t matter at all. That nobody would even care if I wasn’t there. That everybody already got what they wanted. I will never forget those nurses who emptied my urine from the bucket, and the next day who walked me the exact six steps to the bathroom- waited for me for five whole minutes to be able to sit down on the toilet seat and switched on the shower and let it run for a full ten minutes before I could pass urine, mostly blood all on my own. How she wiped me- the insides of me, even though they weren’t torn apart but still a cut had been made to take out the baby, how she cleaned me without judgment, how ashamed and grateful I felt at the same time, how indebted and a burden at the same time, and how I missed just having a few moments to cry my heart out, to be able to say to myself- I did it.

Childbirth gives you the greatest gift but during the first few days after the surgery- till I could go to the bathroom on my own and in privacy, I felt very lonely and very sad and very unhappy. That dependence for my bodily functions on another person made me feel extremely helpless and defenseless. Even as I am writing this, my eyes are overflowing. It gave me empathy for all the people in this world who are bedridden. At the same time, I had a new respect for my body, a body which is my greatest gift and whom I had not done a very good job taking care of, and maybe even taken for granted, till that day.

The doctor had told me that I could only eat solids after passing gas, should try to pass urine on my own twice assisted and only then would I be allowed to go on my own in private. I should try to have a normal bowel movement by day three. I had heard horror stories where the patient couldn’t pass stool even by day four by which time they would be discharged and then had trouble for weeks. I was determined not to let that happen to me and though it wasn’t really in my hands, I did want to make enough effort on my part. I remember telling myself over and over, that I could do it and that everything will return back to normal by day four. I remember even feeling guilty about the fact that I was thinking of my recovery and not of the baby, if only for a few seconds.

The focus on the baby is so much that nobody really prepares you for how YOU will recover after childbirth and I am talking only the physical recovery in the first few days here. I am not even talking of the emotional recovery. I am not ashamed to admit that I was physically scared for myself. When I couldn’t breathe in the operation theatre as soon as the anesthesia was given, I don’t know why but I suddenly felt that this was how the mountaineers must feel on top of the Everest who weren’t able to make it. I don’t know why they came to my mind but in the operation theatre, I felt I was one of them and I didn’t know if I was coming down. Yes, I was scared.

It is only after a year that I can even bear to re-live those moments. Day five we came back home. I had my surgery on a Tuesday and I was home on a Saturday. There were some acquaintances who insisted they visit us in the hospital. But I didn’t want to see anyone or rather let anyone see me in that state. The phone was ringing non stop and people actually felt upset when I wasn’t able to chat with them for hours. Later those people admitted that they just wanted to “see” the Stanford Hospital.

A mother is the focal point of attention till the birth of the baby after which she is treated like a piece of furniture. Somehow she is expected to just miraculously look perfectly normal within moments and be her old self like she never grew a human inside her, like she never nurtured it for nine months, like the baby just slipped out and now everything was sewn back and proper.

I am sharing my story, my experience to tell every woman who has ever felt this way and to tell every new mom this-

Dear precious- you are important, you matter and you have done a wonderful job in making this baby a reality for everyone around you. You are blessed but what you are is also courageous. You were always courageous but now you have a living proof of your resilience. Never consider yourself less because of the way a child is delivered, what others say doesn’t matter. Whether you have had a “normal” delivery or a C-section or you were in labor for hours but then had a C-section, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you did it, you brave heart. You don’t need any acknowledgment from this world to tell you that you are stronger than you think you are. Be gentle with yourself just as you are with your new baby. Be as kind to yourself as you are with your heart beating outside your body, because hey you, this is a re-birth for you too, this is a new beginning for you, this is a journey of finding yourself all over again. You will emerge stronger than ever and in time, you will look back at this and marvel at your bravery, even if right now you don’t feel that way. You be patient with yourself, look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself I am beautiful. Look at your body as a source of miracle, look at the stretch marks as a proof of what you have created, be proud of you. You are amazing. You don’t need to wait for any outside source to tell you this, because really others see you in exactly the same way as you see yourself. Give yourself love, and you will see it reflected back from others’ eyes. Give yourself permission to feel beautiful in the now, don’t wait for a future time when you will have certain dimensions. You are God’s miraculous creation and you have created another being, if that’s not one of the greatest miracles ever, what is- my dear child? Give yourself the same love you shower on your child every moment and forgive yourself the same way you forgive your child when she pees on you. You don’t yell at her, you cherish it. Treat yourself the same way child, cherish YOU NOW.’

Be kind to yourself: Nov 2017 on left and July 2018 on right (same top, same leggings)

The greatest thing I learnt from my first year is self-love and how wonderful a concept it is. When you cherish you, you take care of you, you become a vessel that is full. You can pour love in the world. Self-love is not selfish, in fact it is the first step to taking care of your loved ones. What can an empty vessel pour? Ignoring yourself because you are too busy taking care of others is not okay. When you take care of yourself, when you put yourself first, you are being the best version of you, and then you become the best version of that person who can take care of your loved ones.

I also learnt that taking out time for yourself, for your physical and mental well-being must come from a place of love. You have to nourish yourself with positive, kind and encouraging thoughts every single day, just as you would do for a friend. If you would berate yourself for being where you don’t want to be, it will be very hard for you to reach the place where you want to be. Self- love and patting yourself on the back every single step of the way is key.

Have you heard that story where there was a tree a village wanted to cut down? Then somebody suggested there is no need for that, all the villagers should just go and talk ill of the tree to the tree everyday. Do you know what happened to that tree? It died within a week.

Treat yourself the way you would do a good friend. Won’t you encourage that friend every single day, cheer his or her every effort and when the results may not show up as desired, you would still urge them to be persistent and enjoy the journey? Be your own cheerleader is what I learnt.

I also learnt that nobody can love someone who doesn’t love themselves. You teach others how to treat you, how to love you by how you treat yourself. Cherish yourself, your every effort, your every failure, your every success- talk with kindness to yourself, you don’t want to be the villager from that story to your own tree. You want to be your loudest, biggest advocate and when the going gets tough, you tell yourself to keep going.

Life and any goal anyway is not easy, why make it even harder by negative self-talk? On the other hand, framing this in a positive way, why not increase our energies by being supportive of ourselves?

And so during my first year of motherhood, my daughter taught me how to love myself in my present state, not in the future, now. She taught me to enjoy my present moment, work towards a goal but not to get lost in it. She taught me that by taking care of myself, I am in turn taking care of her, because what use will I be to her if I am not happy?

When she looks up at me every day, I can see her eyes shining and absorbing everything I am doing, I can see already the beginning moldings of a strong woman that she will become. Self-love has unexpectedly blessed me with this gift of being a role-model for my daughter, by being the best version of myself. Every. Single. Day

A happy person makes everyone around them happier and only a cup full can pour.

CurioussmilingPigeon
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