What Really Makes Relationships This Difficult?

Thembelihle Sishi
6 min readJul 11, 2022

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I was living with a lady in university who was happily single at the age of twenty-seven. She is attractive and intelligent so I could not for the life of me, at that immature age of twenty-one, imagine why she would choose such a thing. There was a man who was extremely infatuated with her, demonstrating his advances with expensive gestures and gifts. But she was actively rejecting him because there was no ‘spark,’ to the bewilderment of all her family and friends. I was arrogant enough, at that time, to imagine that that would NEVER be me. I would most definitely be married by the time I was thirty years old. I am thirty-six, I have never been married, and have no children.

Single-At-Thirty-Six Image

As I have observed the dating and relationship landscape over the years, I have become less confused about why the whole experience is trash. The dumpster fire that is hook-up culture, dating apps, situation-ships, etc. can be condensed into one thing that I will get to at the end of this article. Before we get there though, let us explore the context.

Society’s Deteriorating View of Marriage

I have heard and been a part of conversations among disgruntled singles, particularly those who are around my age, who feel that unless you are visibly religious or traditional, marriage is not useful. According to ourworldindata.org, marriage rates have fallen in many countries across the world between 1990 and 2010 (since 1972, marriage rates in the US have fallen by about 48%). Furthermore, in most developed countries, those getting married do so at more mature stages of life. What is now replacing marriage with a diminishing stigma, is cohabitation. In addition, divorce rates in multiple countries increased between the 1970s and 1990s. The greatest contributor to these statistics is posited to be an increasing number of women entering the labor force, which has caused a change in expectations.

Esther Perel Monogamy Quote

What is interesting is that since 1990, the increasing trend in divorce rates has experienced a reversal and marriages are lasting longer.

Why Are People Still Getting Married/Living Together?

A study on why people get married or move in with a partner, conducted by the Pew Research Centre in 2019, found that Love, Companionship, and Wanting to make a formal commitment are the main reasons for marriage and cohabitation; these reasons make up a sizable percentage of those confirmed by surveyed participants. When broken down further, 80% of women were cohabiting for Love in contrast to only 63% of men.

Another interesting statistic was that 23% of cohabiters do not consider their relationship to be serious.

Cohabitation Is No Better Than Marriage In Terms Of Relationship Failure.

Research has shown that cohabitation in no way provides a relationship advantage over marriage. Couples that cohabit slide into the practice, without first articulating their expectations for the outcomes of living together. This can lead to serious conflict.

The researchers concluded that:

The share of adults who have lived with a romantic partner is now higher than the share who have ever been married; married adults are more satisfied with their relationships, and more trusting of their partners.

A greater proportion of adults in married relationships indicated higher levels of satisfaction due to enhanced levels of ‘trust and closeness.’ As an advocate for marriage, this result warms my heart.

Marriage/Living together is a life-changing decision. It is alarming that some of those choosing to live together are not considering the decision more carefully and are also not thoroughly discussing their intentions.

This goes to show that marriage is not the problem.

The Reasons People Are Getting Divorced

In 2012, News24.com published an article on the top ten reasons for Divorce in South Africa. Similarly, in Aug 2021, itsovereasy.com provided thirteen of the most common reasons for Divorce in the United States. Although there are regional and time differences, the lists are comparable.

Reasons For Divorce Image

What is important to note is the commonalities in the lists. The major causes for divorce are essentially: a lack of communication and agreement.

It is saddening to note that these reasons are all within our control. First, we need to clearly define what we want, then most importantly, we desperately need to learn how to communicate those desires and finally accept that what we want may not necessarily be shared.

The Problem: We Are In The Way

I wanted to address this topic without mentioning the nauseating ‘ghosting’ or ‘bread-crumbing’ terms in my discourse. The situation is more complex yet obvious than that: we are in the way.

The fact that we are replacing the apparent archaic structure that is courtship and marriage with instant and superficial Direct Messaging and Tinder, without any fulfilling alternatives, demonstrates that we have no idea what we want. Okay, let us for argument’s sake imply that monogamy is restrictive, what about commitment and integrity of any kind is not? If taking time off work can be quite the struggle, how much more a person?

Love Is Not Supposed To Be Transactional.

Our existence is as deep as we are intricate. Microwave love will never fully accommodate everything that we are and need. One therapy session will not bring about that life-changing epiphany. In the same way, not even one lifetime is enough to fully explore and understand just one person.

We deliberately do not communicate because we do not like the inconvenience; perpetuating adolescence with the blurred references we have for relationships i.e., situation-ship, talking, vibing, etc. Too risk-averse; we do not want to be held accountable. Too timid to be afraid, to give, to lose, and to feel.

We want endless amounts of grace without extending any. We want the benevolent matriarch without the disciplining patriarch. Love that requires patience, resilience, and service is NOT what we fantasize about.

C.S. Lewis Quote

I admit that I am guilty of this same illness. Fairy tales had so infected me, that I imagined Prince Charming would resemble the template I formed in my head. He would be flawless, strong, long-suffering, love unconditionally, be romantic, and have an unwavering fidelity to me. All I needed to do was exist. I was not prepared for a human being, with tears, expectations, childhood traumas, and weaknesses. And I was certainly not expecting to be challenged to grow into a healthier and more compassionate version of myself. One that must be thoughtful, kind, humble, and sacrificial to experience a transcendent love.

I have learned in recent months that true love will find us in the most unlikely places. In the stranger that we would never think twice about because they are just not our type. We need to stop thinking we are the standard.

We are propagating images of our selfishness and calling them love. If dating is trash in any way and we make up the dating pool… guess what we are?

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Thembelihle Sishi

Happy little honey-coloured dreamer. Oh... and I really like to write.