The Ballad of Michael Weiss (with apologies to Osbert Sitwell)

The Alt-Left
Have been unkind
About our nice new war.
I shall smash the Alt-Left.

I think our nice new war
Is one of the best we’ve ever had.
It’s not really a war, more like
A training course for talented young correspondents
And talented young film-makers
And talented young self-taught

Amateur SIGINT analysts
Saving the CIA millions.
The Middle East has been an exciting place
For the last four decades
And every year is more exciting than the last.
I shall smash the Alt-Left.

The Alt-Left have been telling lies
About the deep state.
Giving weapons to Al-Qaeda.
This is an Alt-Left lie.
The deep state does not exist.
I know, because
I asked them myself.
And secondly,
Al-Qaeda does not exist.
Just because someone says
“I’m in Al-Qaeda”
And all their friends say
“Yes, we’re in Al-Qaeda”
And there are pictures of them
On Facebook
“Al-Qaeda is great, and I’m in it”
Does that mean
They’re in Al-Qaeda?
What’s an Al-Qaeda anyway?
This is an Alt-Left lie.
And thirdly
They say TOW missiles
Are made
In factories
That M16s
Are made
In factories
And must be provided to Al-Qaeda
(who do not exist)
By sympathetic outside parties.
This is an Alt-Left lie.
I have explained it in The Daily Beast.
TOW missiles
and M16s
Grow on palm trees
Watered with martyrs’ tears.
I shall smash the Alt-Left.

The Alt-Left have not been unkind
To Bashar al-Assad
Even though he is
A totalitarian dictator;
Holding elections during a civil war
Like that other famous totalitarian dictator
Abraham Lincoln.
But the rebels
Are splendidly moderate.
They hardly ever behead anyone, really.
When they kill civilians, they mostly blow them up
Or gas them with chlorine.
No-one can call that terror.
It is a real advance on Ba’athism.
Whereas we all know Assad commits atrocities.
I shall smash the Alt-Left.

I believe
That getting killed
Should be the proper occupation
Of other people.
I enjoyed doing my bit on Iraq immensely
And was only sorry the troops withdrew
Before I could write anything about it.
But some day soon, I’d like
To go
To Syria
To cover
So far we have only had
Little ones,
Of fifty miles or so.
Who is more qualified
To cover a retreat, than the champion
Of moderate Ukrainian Nazis
And the eighty-seventh last hospital in Aleppo?
I shall take up my keyboard,
Collect my press pass from Langley,
And smash the Alt-Left.

Cameron L Fantastic

Written by

disgruntled member of the public

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