An Article: My Morning Because I Compel you to Care.

You ever seen the first scene of Shrek? Our protagonist kicks open an outhouse door, his face awash with self-satisfied ogre-ness that only those who hold domain over their swamp are permitted to have. he proceeds to have an utterly ogre themed morning (bathing in sewage, brushing his teeth with bugs, the likes…) set to Smashmouth’s “Allstar”.

Now imagine the same morning (human themed) but set to a mix of Korean Pop music and Northern European Death Metal, a playlist I’ve accurately titled “Works the Same as Coffee” which might even be an understatement, the tasteful blend of shrieking Asian and Enraged Swedish works more like Methamphetamine than anything else. If you can imagine that, you might as well have been witness to my 6:05 to 8:30.

I wouldn’t want you to think I’m sharing for nothing either. Admittedly, most of the articles are self-serving, an occasionally ego stroke to my Medium stats is sometimes warranted. But, if you bypassed your inner monologue of “Oh great, Connor’s on another binge of needing attention again” (supporting the artist, or enabling the addict in me? You choose.) and clicked on this article I have great news.

I had a great breakfast, and if you haven’t eaten yet and you have $1.50 to your name you can have a great breakfast too.

In the mist of spiritually channeling an animated swamp troll, I thought it best to walk my happy ass to Alby’s (or ‘Bertson’s, I don’t know what kind of man you are) for some grocery shopping. Once I arrived I only bought one thing. Curious? I’ll feed you baby birds. GOD. DAMN. CLEARANCE. BAKED GOODS.

Here’s where you say to yourself “Oh hell yeah! I’ve wanted cinnamon rolls for like a week now but they’re like 12 bucks at any breakfast joint, and I usually just get the omelette instead, not because egg and vegetables taste good, because I had 6 Miller High Life’s (Champagne of Beer) last night and If I eat like shit again my self esteem might hit rock bottom.” Right?

$1.50 you get four of them, sure they’re a day old but are you kidding? I’m gonna wake up like a king for the next two days, plus I ate a popsicle that fell on the ground last week so who am I trying to impress?

candles because you have to

Heed my words, life is hard, the human condition is that of a constant state of tragedy (I registered for philosophy 103 this term, you may have guessed) why not bring some joy into your life in the form of sweet gooey diabetes? The answer: you have not a single reason not to. Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear, cloak yourself in the armor of breakfast pastries.