Hey, Lets Not Go to Mars.

The food sucks, but the view is nice. kinda like Northern Europe.

By now, Elon Musk has probably convinced you that our planet is terminally fucked by our innate, insatiable greed, but he’s also convinced you there’s a solution: Mutha. Fuckin. Mars Colony bitch. Everyone is gonna smoke weed, drive sweet ass Teslas, and have what I assume is gonna be awesome space sex.

There’s just two problems. 1) escaping to life on Mars is about as practical as a Floyd Mayweather book on tape and 2) we need you down here Elon…Like desperately.

I’ll admit it, playing with rocket ships is a good time if I’ve ever had one. Piecing all that plastic together, father-son bonding time, and at the end if the ship breaks you get to call it “Challenger” or “Columbia”. Either way, I’m not attacking you because I don’t respect the project, I’m attacking you because although you’ve done a lot for the planet, things down here are still pretty bad.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, as a math and science guy I can put the dig on someone whose bringing emerging technology to the market. But in the immortal words of Tupac Shakur “Still I see no changes”. Which may seem like I’m rushing you, I know they didn’t build Rome in one day, but they also didn’t start building space ships when they were halfway done with Rome.

My point is there’s not too many people on this planet who fall in the overlap of the “Rich and Moral” venn diagram, and I’m not taking kindly to those people trying to leave the goddamn planet. You’re one of the good guys, that’s a good thing, you may have to crucify your ideas to save us.

Honestly, this whole Mars business is pretty spooky anyways. It’s hard not to imagine all the smart, powerful, wealthy people getting up there first and then cutting off communication with all us dumb ugly people. Best case scenario this turns into an Elysium situation, and that movie ends with Matt Damon kicking your ass which, although I would pay to see it, I wouldn’t want it to happen.

This planet isn’t that bad, it just needs a little Space Jam spit shine. Mr. Musk, you’re our Bugs Bunny, you’ve got the special stuff, so help us out. As appealing as dying in the cold vacuum of space may sound to you, we like having you both alive and on our planet, because with you there’s a gleam of hope. So don’t go.

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