Pass the Aux Cord

RIP Wesley Matthews

Oh you listen to everything? don’t tell me that, I’ll spend this entire car ride listening to Korean Country Deathmetal just to spite you. I don’t even know why listening to everything is a positive quality, most music is absolute garbage. You know who falls into everything? Jason Aldean. You want to listen to his music? I’d rather listen to the full length EP of an ostrich fucking a garbage disposal than Dirt Road Anthem one more time.

If good music taste was granted to everyone listening to the radio would probably still be a thing. It’s not though, you know why? Because Adam Levine decided to pump a steady stream of sexy sonic trash through every station in the United States. Enter the auxiliary chord.

All of sudden the burden lay upon every man, woman, and child to be a decent DJ. Those who were once privately 3OH!3 fans had to think twice before leaving their music on shuffle, and god forbid you like country music around anyone who doesn’t because you’ll never hear the end of that.

The aux is a responsibly, we all know that. The aux is a skill, most aren’t willing to admit that.

The good news is Papa Cush is here to coach you. Let me give you some pointers on how to properly aux, a few tips to effectively get everyone jammin’ on your next car ride.

1) Please no aggressive rap music. I’ll listen to Migos on my own time, thank you. Alright, sometimes I need to blow off some steam. Sometimes that means playing some music that’s analagous to a Jeffrey Dahmer confession set to phat beatz. That time isn’t when we’re carpooling to Bio 102, save the Flocka for when we’re robbing a drug deal.

2) You’re not out here to convert people, just play the classics. We’re not by chance kindred spirits, I’m sure you think you found the band that I haven’t heard of but I definitely like, you’re wrong. This is just a car ride, you don’t need to impress me. In fact, I’m more impressed if you just show some restraint and play Outkast. Everyone loves Outkast.

3) Mutha. Fuckin. September. We’ve all been in the situation. You’ve just got done rolling through some of your core material, but your fresh out of songs. So far, people have respected your choices, but silence has fallen upon the speakers. You need a go-to. Luckily for you, Earth Wind and Fire has your back. September. Honestly, unless you’re cruising to a funeral that song is a cut. Even if you are cruising to a funeral probably not a bad move to lighten the mood

4) Go with your gut. Chances are if you’ve acquired a group of like minded friends you can release your inhibitions (yes, yes that was a Natasha Bedingfield reference). A lot of people are insecure in their music taste, or think they fall in to some sonic niche. My rule is, if the song is about love, sex, or a party, you’re probably not gonna find too many people who hate it

5) Don’t skip in the middle. my biggest pet peeve. If you want to listen to a song, pick it and stick it. I don’t need you sitting on the fence telling the entire ride, if half songs were enjoyable Pitbull would be making them.

That’s all I got. If you follow those rules you’re good in my book. May all your car rides be blessed and your house parties super sick.