The darker side of LOVE

Love happens to us at least twice in life. The first one is with the man who fathered us, sheltered us, humored us and gave everything possible he could with a smile.

You know that the second one has happened when you volunteer to give for the first time to someone other than your first boyfriend, Dad. You happily give away your heart, time, love and millions of thoughts for that one among billions. You would do anything for the guy who made you go through a whirlpool of new emotions, both scary and exciting.

You devote every ounce of blinking time to him or his thoughts. It’s a beautiful trance. The grammar Nazi in you starts loving his wrong pronunciations. You accept him with that ugly booger and laugh with disgust when he farts under your blanket. Infact you find him worthy enough to make you part with your beloved moustache. Your mind is chasing butterflies, prancing on the rainbows and radiating with happiness which only you can feel.

And one day life kicks you in the shin. The lucky ones dust it off and move ahead while you barely manage to stand up. You come to terms with the fact that the most lovely part of your life became your life itself and you don’t even know the when-how-why of it. The love of your life starts brewing the poison of your life and you continue drinking it hoping it will bring back what you had. As you remind him how you gave yourself away, you also give away self respect. Yes, the lil righteous girl who would stand up like a rebel for everything actually gets down on her knees in desperation.

May be this kick could save you in future. May be he is right. May be he is not worth it. May be you don’t deserve this. Your ego doesn’t deserve this. But your bitter heart would have none of it.

Somehow she gets the rainbow back. Only to find it 10 shades lighter. Still she feels victorious like a lioness. Time moves on for a while.

She is on a mission to rebuild everything as it was only to be kicked again. This time by her ego. How much ever she tries to reset her heart, the bitter cocoa posion he fed her won’t unsettle. She starts doubting if the cloud castle she has forced herself into was rebuilt on her love for him or his momentary sympathy/ surrender.

And it is at that moment where her mind cracks up into two. A part that loves him and the other that loves her more. She utters her first abuse, curses her first love, swears to hurt him, succeeds to hurt him, all this while peeling the skin around her fingers. She gets caught up between this tornado of feeling sorry for what she did and then feeling sorry for herself. She doesn’t stop pitying herself. Being entitled as the mean bitch, she starts using self pity as a shield. It becomes the trigger for her to wake up every morning and somewhere along the line, that innocent jolly girl inside her withers completely.

She begs for freedom. The only problem is she is totally clueless about freedom from what. Freedom from the hidden pain or freedom from the love that caused that pain or freedom from these malicious thoughts or freedom from the fear of losing it all again. She hates him and she hates herself for doing so. She loves him and she hates herself even more for doing so.

But you know what…. It was always her fault. She just couldn’t let go. She had the power to free herself all along but she refused to do it. She made a mockery of the basic ground rule for love: ‘Never hurt a guy’s ego. Never hurt a girl’s feelings.’ She did both. She has actually ruined two lives. Hers and His. She is sorry for everything she has said to him and everything she has done to herself.

This pain has to end. The anger has to be doused. The half burnt heart has to be replaced. The Fairytale in her head has to be burnt because she is no more an angel.

IF ONLY IT WAS EASY………IF ONLY SHE COULD GO BEYOND SLEEP BECAUSE YOU KNOW SLEEP IS A BEAUTIFUL DEATH BUT ONLY WITHOUT COMMITMENT. :)