Tomorrow April 17th will be three years since you left us and it doesn’t get any easier. Don’t be fooled by how busy our lives have been these last couple of years. Your brother, Blueberry and sister, Strawberry came to keep us busy but never filled your void.
Allow me to go down memory lane for a minute. You were long awaited! Plenty times we thought you were with us but it did not dampen our spirits. Even though, this story is not mine alone to share I feel sometimes, I let you down in one way or another. You are not just another statistic. You were felt, we saw your tiny self moulding — we felt your heartbeat. Who knew your introduction would be the last time we saw each other. You were an average of 1.1 grams and approximately 16mm, most people would dare say you did not deserve to be called a living, breathing soul, our baby! But you were ours. As the hours lead up to your departure, I thought I would honour you with an a message as we feel your presence each day. But before I do, just like how we talk — you keep me grounded, you keep me fighting in addition to your siblings; let me share events of my day yesterday — promise, it will take a minute.
We woke up to a new day — Sunday! The day the duo knows we are home. I think you wake them up intentionally as they hardly sleep-in when we around. Anywho, I digress, I pushed out my salon visit to be with them, it was fun. I had to leave though in the afternoon. In all my years of driving, I thought I would be seeing you sooner than I anticipated. I believe you and my guardian angel joined efforts to stop the inevitable from happening. It doesn’t even make sense to me how it all went down. I was about to be in an accident with no escape possible. It took me a minute to recover and possibly the reason I am here writing this all out … for people to know you existed, you saved me and this I believe to the bone.
Back to the main message. As painful as this journey ended, it was worth every minute we found you were in our lives. I hope I am not too late to share with the world how you made us feel — to be called Dad, Mom, what else can one wish for?
Ms. Grape, you are the heartbeat that was missing in our lives, the best of the two of us! Of course we did not know what we were getting into but we were as giddy as young hearts finding love. I pray that the angels in heaven keep you smiling — you brought so much joy to us. There are days I miss you terribly but I am afraid that if I cry I will be ungrateful for the other beautiful bouncing blessings we have received. They say one needs to move on, that new life came from a painful experience but it is never tangible to know a piece of you left so suddenly without notice. My heart aches, I try to be strong, smile away and keep my head up — never showing any signs of weakness but today especially has me all in a teary mess. I know you are in a better place, you gained wings to fly, spirit set free. I want to say I am sorry if I let you down. I’ll always have a feeling of guilt of the things I should have done better … perhaps not gone for that road trip, taken the Nairobi traffic more seriously and left it the H alone or just leave all the burdens I was carrying with God for you to have seen this earth.
Your father, where to begin, is a great man definitely deserves a write up on his own. I draw strength from him each day! There’s no one else you could be more proud of. You should have seen his face when I introduced him to you! Despite his deep sleep, he leaped onto his feet and just hugged me tightly. I felt ever so fragile so honoured. We got to be with you albeit for a short time but you were our only, our gem. He doesn’t ask for much and most times I feel I am the lucky one. He found me unfinished, carefree and happy-go-lucky. He has been my strength, my anchor, my confidant, my everything. Before the evening began of that unfortunate day, he held me close and slept on the hospital bed with me. His chest was the only thing I needed, no words would equate the pain I was absorbing through every fibre of my skin, as reality set in you were no more. If I could rewind time, I would have asked for better emotional realization of what we went through. It took the help of online searches to comprehend this day and not the humans who were tasked to be our care-givers. I recall texting my then doctor, to ask him what emotional support can be provided for your father as all I was getting online was about supporting Moms. Despite his silence, I went to share what I felt would be most relevant to him during that time for he too needed to journey through this despite not knowing what this was all about. That week was tough. However, we gathered strength, went to church and asked a requiem mass for you. Fr. Daniel of Consolata Shrine, called you an Angel. His message was so profound that day it lifted your Dad’s spirits and he was once again whole. It is amazing what the power of prayer can do to one’s life.
We never got to hold you tight — keep you warm, but in our hearts we continue praying for your soul. I will always treasure the fact you gave me an opportunity to be called Mom. D.M.M., it is well, it is well with my soul. We pray we do you proud each day. When the time is right, I will tell your siblings all about you and how you fought to stay with us. Your kid brother is adventurous, curious, funny, strong and teaches there’s so much to life. Your sister, Oh Boy! She’s amazing… already very expressive in her emotions, she is very patient when her brother wants to hug her not knowing he is putting ALL his weight on her or holding her hand so tightly in the form of saying hello. We miss you … we’re all here for you and know you are not alone. I am certain you would have been as mischevous as your brother.
Sadness, pain, guilt do not make up your memory. The honour of being your Mom, the joy you gave me behind the ultra-sound machine, the conversations I have had with you… perhaps you thought I was loosing my marbles when I kept calling on you to take care of your brother when he was just an infant. I felt your presence you’re an awesome big sister. I’ll pen off for now… We love you and miss you. Hope to get a chance to see you one day.
