I miss you Sunshine.

I don’t mean that in the literal, underground dwelling mole-people kind of way. I miss a girl. The girl. The one I’ve been in love with since middle school. The one who I felt so complete with, yet who at the same time celebrated my individuality far more than I did myself. The one who made me feel alive, who made me feel connected, a feeling I’ve always searched for yet remained fearful of all at once, knowing if I ever gave myself into it completely, there would never be a just me again. Our spirits would conjoin and we’d become apart of something far greater than we ever could seperately. I want to be born anew with you.

But I can’t tell you that. Your phone isnt working and you’re on a vacation out of the country with your friend that doesn’t like me. She has her reasons. Plus we’ve already agreed to just be friends. Possibly just for now. Possibly forever. God I hope it’s not forever. But we’ve agreed to keep our feelings hush until that decision comes and I’ve already exceeded the quota for emotional outbursts. I’m not good at hiding my heart. You’re afraid to share yours again.

You should be.

I broke your heart before. I was too afraid to choose you. Too afraid to pick the girl 14 hours away who had always filled my heart with love and my self perception with the best possible version of me. The girl who believed in me more than I did, who was proud of me and never too proud to tell me, who adored my mom, wanted to meet my grandmother, and actually talked to and liked my friends. I picked what was close to home instead of what was close to my heart. I took you for granted, knowing you would always be there, that there would never come a time when I didn’t have your warmth in my life.

We separated.

I had a child.

We reconnected.

We grew, seperately, but somehow still together. You’re back and I’m ready to choose you now. I’m ready to give myself over, to give our love a chance despite logistics, to pour all of myself into you and see the beautiful painting of our colors mixed together. I’m ready to work and to make this work.

But you aren’t ready to trust me with your heart yet.

But I know I can’t live without you in mine. So I’ll work, and I’ll wait, and I’ll be patient, trying to regain your faith. And we’ll just be friends. Possibly just for now. Possibly forever.

God I hope it’s not forever.

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