#QuarantineLife — Relationship Survival 10 hacks to Thrive During Social Distancing
PLUS Relationship Advice from Tony Robbins, TEDx Talk, Steve Harvey, Dr. Phil
Relationships take work no matter what. With the coronavirus and social distancing or Quarantine life, it becomes even more challenging. I have been married for 14 years and with the same person for 16 years. We have been through a lot together including the economic downturn of 2008, moving across the country twice and now Both being laid off together. We have learned a lot about how to work, communicate, and live together. One thing that the two of us realized is that when we communicate and stay connected we fight less. During our first two years of marriage we were both in school and working I worked a full-time job and my husband worked two part-time jobs. During the first two years bickered about things constantly. And realize it’s because we weren’t spending enough time together, we had opposite schedules and we’re both very busy.
Here are things that we do now to make our relationship work having been through so many different things together.
1Gratitude — Write down or talk about what you like about the person that attracted you to them. We know gratitude is important. We tell each other what we like about the other including things that attracted us to each other. We do this frequently enough so that we feel appreciation for each other regularly.
2Have a plan for arguing -we have a plan for arguing, if we disagree on something we have agreed to talk it through and if we’re both very upset about something we take time apart and cool down before returning to the conversation.
3Maintain Structure, responsibilities we have agreed-upon structure and responsibilities so each of us has things that we do to maintain our household. We decided how chores are done, meals are made, bills are paid, and which ones we do together.
4Acknowledge when we noticed the other person is feeling stressed. We ask questions like what can I do to help? Or it seems you are feeling frustrated I noticed that something is bothering you or you seem upset. We give each other space to identify what that is and offer to help or if it’s something we cannot help with to give the other space
5Communicate -We talk about how to handle day to day new norms. I.e. getting groceries will you go to the store or get delivery if money allows.
a. Money especially if one or both of you is not working
b. Address areas where you’ve had challenges and put a plan in place to work through them.
c. Soften your vocabulary — acknowledge that a word you might want to use could be too intense. Example if you’re frustrated don’t say you’re angry or furious
6. Acknowledge you to feel to yourself first, and realize how you feel is okay, take a few moments, a few deep breaths and then choose to say how you feel in a way you know your significant other can hear.
a. Don’t Blame — we use phrases like
b. I saw this and I thought that…
c. I could be wrong, is this what you meant?
Pro Tip: We’ve learned one of the best ways to keep peace around in our home is that it’s okay to be wrong. There is no harm in it and you’re home life is so much better.
7Choose an Activity to do together that’s fun and or connects you every day. We choose activities to do together that are fun and connect us.
a. Go for a walk, work out
b. Make food together — divide up the tasks
c. Have a date night, or romantic time together
d. Watch Youtube, and take turns picking what you watch, sometimes we’ll go with a theme. Humourous videos, music or concerts, movies, or performances
8Laugh Every Day, and listen to music you both enjoy. When things are tense have some music playing softly in the background, this will help ease tension. is has been very valuable for us, and keeps the mood light when it feels stressful.
a. Realize when the other needs space and carve out that time and what that looks like.
b. One in the living room, one in the bedroom
c. Is this something needed daily or every other day, decide on a time that works especially if you’re not working.
d. Encourage each other’s hobbies and interest
BONUS- Another thing that we found very helpful is to speak positively regarding the other to friends and family. If we have a disagreement we talk about it together first and resolve it as best we can. If we do share our feelings with someone else we never use derogatory terms or Inflammatory language. We can express being upset for frustrated without calling the other names or using hurtful terms. These would have worked for us over the past 14 years. Let’s take a look at additional advice from the experts.
Local10.com Anchor Neki Mohan interviewed Dr. Jacqueline Del Rosario is a former educator and experienced relationship counselor whose internationally acclaimed Youth Program,
“Recapturing the Vision” helps at risk youth to get the tools to realize their dreams. Coronavirus: Tips on surviving being quarantined while dealing with family, relationship stress
NOTE: some of her advice in the article is similar to the advice above.
Shift energy when you’re feeling pent up, instead of focusing on the negative, do something productive or positive. Maintain Boundaries. Do something kind for someone else, neighbor, shut-in — food goody basket, providing information or a list of resources they can access.
TEDx SBU Talk —
Joanne Davila Dr. Davila is a Fellow in the Association for Psychological Science and the Incoming Editor (2016–2022) for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. We know what a healthy relationship looks like, but we (as people) don’t know how to get there.
It takes 3 things:
1Insight, Awareness Understanding and learning who you are — Genuinely knowing what you need and want in a partner, and what they need and who they are.
2Mutuality — Both people have needs and both sets of needs matter, it’s the ability to communicate this. Selecting the right person.
3Emotion Regulation — Regulating your feelings in response to things that happen to keep things in perspective. Developing and using skills right at the beginning of our relationships.
Tony & Sage Robbins
- Create Aliveness — “don’t filter your partner through an old story” Remember how it was when you first met, what you’d do for them, how excited you were.
- Find More Passion — Be yourself, make sure you’re with someone you can be your passionate self with.
- Change the Story you have about your relationship, don’t dwell on the challenges you’ve had, think about the stores you tell yourself internally about the relationship. What you tell your friends etc. Relive the magic of your relationship. Rewrite your story you’re love affair of who are you for the one that you love. (Tony has more tips click the link above to see the full clip)
Dr. Phil McGraw (warning this may be inappropriate for some viewers)
Tips for living in Isolation
- Acknowledge that you’re together
- Talk through what annoys you
- Don’t argue in front of the kids
- Have a safe word if you need to walk away
- Add variety, and don’t be s slob See the full list at the link above
Steve Harvey, and Alan Fox
- Focus on Connections -If you want someone to love you love them first, however, this doesn’t mean putting yourself last. You have to take care of yourself first so you have the energy to take care of them. Realize this is not selfish.
- “Yes” is the best word, if they ask for something you can accommodate readily like a hug say ‘Yes’ put down what you’re doing and give them attention… unless you or they’re not feeling well of course.
Check back with me, I’ll have more information and resources for you through this #quarantinelife, we’ll make it through together even with #socialdistncing during COVID-19.
