
What it was like to move across the world
I just moved to Shenzhen from Toronto a little over a month ago now which means I have to stop shocking people when I say I’ve only been here three weeks :(
I’ve always wanted to move away from Canada but it’s daunting, I always thought it was a sometime later thing but then, after some back and forth, my boyfriend had to go for work. Moving away quickly turned from a sometime later thing to a sometime now thing.
We had been dating for 2 years and a bit at that point, and it was definitely a forever thing. Being apart would be more heartbreaking than it needed to be based on what I wanted in the long-term, which was to leave anyways. However, I had just switched from a job that I was so excited to leave to one I was so excited to work in, with an incredible manager (they’re rarer than you think), and a path I (thought) wanted.
Eliminating the biggest barrier to leaving: work
The first thing I did when he told me was panic; I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what I wanted. I just started looking online for new jobs just to see what my options were and for someone who doesn’t know what they want, this was an overwhelming task. I know I’m using dramatic words but that’s because it felt so dramatic at the time!
I found a company that was new and had just completed YC earlier that year — which meant that they could still fall under the “hot” startup column. They had a clear mission, problem they were trying to solve, and on top of that, they were remote, so I messaged them through Angel List. Then I found the founder’s email and followed up continuously until he agreed to get on a call with me. He said, we’re looking for someone with more experience, he said if I wanted to learn more, I should do some research first.
I sent him a document of things I thought they could improve and immediately after, he wanted to schedule an intro call between me and one of their advisors. Which is when the interview process started — I spoke with the advisor, the other co-founder, and then the founder I was messaging. The next day, after the last call, I got an offer.
This eliminated a barrier of the decision-making process — yes, I liked the job I had at the time and it was in a growing space with a lot of potential. Now, I had another job I thought was just as fast-growing. Now I had to make my decision, not based on the job itself but on what my long-term goals were.
Figuring out my values and goals
I had to the options available and now all I had to do was make a decision. I outlined my values: learning and career. Yep… that was pretty much it.
Things I wanted at the time:
- To become fluent in Mandarin
- To move out of Toronto/North America
- To spend more time with extended family
- To accelerate quickly in a startup in a fast-growing space
- To learn about a new industry
- Freedom
- Hot weather
- To live with my boo
Things I was scared of:
- Leaving my family
- Leaving my closest friends
- Leaving familiarity and a career path that I was 70% sure about
- Not being able to adapt
What I wanted aligned with the new opportunity so clearly and I’ve learned to not make decisions out of fear so, I said yes to China.
Then I got on a plane
And it was terrifying. I wasn’t excited at all, I was so sad to leave my parents and my friends. Every time someone asked me if I was ready, if I was excited, if I was packed — the answer was always no, I don’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want the plane ride to end, I didn’t want to realize what I had done.
Then I arrived
My bf had come 2 weeks before me, set everything up with the apartment so it wasn’t logistically complicated (thank u so much) and it was terrible for the first 2 weeks. I felt like I had no one to talk to, I fully relied on my bf for emotional support/happiness/comfort, I didn’t want to go anywhere, and I was disappointed in feeling the way I did because my story is not unique. There are so many people who just pack up and move around the world, and a number of whom were in Shenzhen as well. They were doing so well! Why wasn’t I able to adapt like they did? (Because there lives and situations are different, but that’s not what I was thinking at the time)
I felt like my independence was stripped away from my because I was completely dependent on one person for all my emotions (not healthy for me or him). I didn’t want to call my friends and tell them how I was feeling. They had all been so proud of me, how could I show them that I was really struggling?
This was a mistake; I should have relied on them from the beginning. I spoke to my therapist, my bf, my friends, my family. They didn’t judge me, they weren’t disappointed in me, they just wanted to be there for me when I cried.
Then I started meeting people
You can’t make friends on the first day you arrive somewhere new. The nature of a friendship makes that impossible.
A friend develops over time. You have to meet them once, then again, and again, they’re not your friend as soon as you arrive. Message them, say yes to things, and it will come.
When you’re living in a foreign place and meeting expats, there’s an expectation of friendliness and there’s also a type of person that moves to somewhere like China.
Recently, I’ve overcome this sometimes debilitating social anxiety (probably due to no more birth control hormones #IUD!!!), so I wasn’t nervous about actually meeting new people, I just didn’t know who to meet or where to meet them. The problem wasn’t that people didn’t want to be friends with me, the problem was my environment. I’m working remotely, so I was just alone all day — all I had to do was put myself in the right environment.
Once I started meeting people at events, I was starting to get messages to hang out and getting added to WeChat groups where I could meet more people. I felt more comfortable just messaging people after meeting up with them once or even never, to grab coffee/lunch.
Next
I’m slowly growing my circle of people that I know in Shenzhen and it’s getting better every day. It still doesn’t feel like home and there are a number of new challenges that are arising now but I’m hopeful that things will work out. And there are so many good things about China!
I feel lucky to be here.
So if you’re abroad and you feel anything similar to what I did/am, you’ll be okay. It just takes time.
