I’m so very sorry Sugar. I lost a brother to suicide, and a close co-worker, a friend’s son who managed to insure it would be me who would discover the horrendous bloody scene rather than his mom or sister. The only thing these people had in common was that at the moment they took their own life they believed the people they loved would have a better life without them in it, and regardless of how anyone else might perceive it, they felt complete hopelessness in having a better life than the one attainable at that very moment.
Regardless of religious beliefs or a deep understanding of depression and despair I still have an inexplicable sense that one day I will encounter their spirits again and will understand, through them, what happened and why and if they ever had an opportunity to know how their actions changed the hearts of those who loved them. Knowing at least two of them well I fully believe it’s an action they would regret, especially had they been able to see the hurt caused.
My guess is your mom felt you would have a better life without her. That perhaps she felt incapable of being a good mother. Whatever her feelings at the time, they overwhelmed her to the point she could act in defiance of the natural maternal bond that’s hard wired in us to insure we go forward propagating the species, and the strength of our own clan for survival. Overriding those reptilian instincts in motherhood may have been an enormous chemical imbalance of hormones resulting in a major depressive episode or a complete breakdown of her belief she could be responsible for another human life in the state she was in.
I’m only imagining and speculating based on my experiences as an insecure, abused young mother who experienced profound postpartum depression that lasted for years, and my knowledge of others who attempted suicide regardless of the outcome.
Being abandoned as a child has extreme consequences. At such a young age it’s hard to grasp the concept of death or why it happened. The simple fact that Mom suddenly wasn’t there feels like a certain rejection.
I’m so sorry you experienced this, and hope you’ve received professional help in understanding and framing this in a way that can allow you to have the best mental health moving forward.