
Haunted By Ghosting
The Inner Workings of a Sex and Love Addict Series
It’s been 3 days since I last heard from him. When I think about it (and I think about it constantly) I feel physically sick. I’m nauseous and my stomach is in knots. I can’t eat, can’t sleep. It’s an effort to do anything other than sit around thinking about why he hasn’t responded to my phone call or texts.
It happened so suddenly. One minute everything is fine as I am sharing road trip photos (like the one above) at his request with an occasional phone call when we can connect. The next minute, I’m still sharing photos but he is no longer responding.
The not knowing and lack of control is killing me. My mind wanders into a minefield of scary thoughts. What if he worked it out with his ex? What if he had sex with someone else and now he feels guilty so he’s avoiding me? What if he has his own fears and just needs space? What if he’s in the hospital or jail? What if he’s dead?
Intellectually I realize how irrational this is only after 3 days but fears are never rational nor are the ruled by reason. Fears, especially trauma-based fears, are ruled by emotions. The body does not forget and in this way a part of me reverts back to the 2 year old or 5 year old who’s mother was ripped away from her, first by divorce and then death.
Why is dating so fucking hard for me? Why can’t I just relax and let it flow? Because I have severe abandonment issues. All the work I have done and all the progress I have made does not erase that anxious feeling of something being taken away from me, my security pulled out from under me. This is my demon, the one that lives inside my head.
One of the reasons I went on a spontaneous solo road trip was to clear my mind, an effort to quiet the demon. It’s fucking terrifying for me to get close to him so I bailed. I ran out of fear that if I let my walls down and let him in, he will break my heart. I’m struggling with when I need to let him in and when to hide my crazy. He has to feel that I am holding back, that I am guarded. I’m clear now that I need to talk to him about my insecurities but is it too little too late?
One of the hardest things for me is sitting uncomfortably in my feelings. I’d much rather bungee dive off a cliff. At least then I know the torture would be fleeting. Is dating really worth all this turmoil? It was so much easier when I was numb and picking up random guys in bars without commitment, without the fear of getting my heart broken. Or choosing long-term relationships with men who could not tolerate intimacy any more than I. I’ve had thoughts of giving up on this dating thing and returning to my old ways. No, that would be no good. Remember the pain, the loneliness, not feeling good enough, the deep, dark depression? Sometimes those feelings lasted for years. Yes, that was worse than how I am feeling now.
Now I play the waiting game. I’ve done my part. I’ve reached out to him. The only thing left to do is give him his space. If he wants to get in touch with me he will…eventually. If he doesn’t, then I have my answer. He does not want to be with me. It’ll hurt but that’s the price to pay when I choose to live in reality. For in the long run, reality is much more serene than a life of denial.
**UPDATE**: I finally received a text from him! One second, I felt like scum on the bottom of my shoe. The second I received his text, I felt like the brightest star in the sky. I was on cloud nine. My mood shifted so instantaneously; it was like doing a line of coke. Love is my drug.
I wish I didn’t have to contend with this dysfunction in my head but that doesn’t change the fact that I do. I accept it for what it is and choose to see this as a learning and growth opportunity. Next time, I will have more experience so hopefully I won’t reel with panic and anxiety. Or at least the reeling will be a little less.
Why the sudden ghosting? His phone battery died. He didn’t have a recent back up so the restore did not include my number. He drove to my house one morning to leave a note on my door, but I didn’t get it because I never use my front door. He finally got my number by going through his billing statement and texting random numbers until I responded. I’m pretty impressed with how he handled it. Crisis averted until next time…
