Photo by me

Jealousy: Depression’s Cousin

Excerpt from my Journal to Self Series

A moment of clarity. I mean nothing to him. I am just one of many. I want to be special but I am not — at least not to him. I am seeking something that does not and will never exist. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and the air has been sucked out of me.

What is underneath my jealousy? Needing to feel special, needing his approval. What is underneath those feelings? Emptiness, loneliness — seeking outside sources to fill me up rather than filling myself up from within. There it is. That is the source of my depression — the emptiness, not feeling whole when alone.

I’ve kept a journal since I was 11 years old. These are random musings, old and new.