That (Not So) Lucky Guy
The Inner Workings of a Sex Addict Series
I watched porn the other night, and it was so hot! Usually, I’d share the link with you but that night I didn’t. Because I had a better idea. I wanted to BE her. I wanted her toy, and I wanted to make my own video for you. So I did.
But I don’t want to share it with you.
…at least not yet.
Believe me when I say this is the last video you will ever receive from me, but I have some rules you have to follow first. Are you game?
I really wanted to follow through with this — to make a video and send it to this one (lucky) guy. I even went as far as finding the exact toy online and adding it to my shopping cart which was almost an insurmountable feat in itself. I mean, do you know how many sex toys are out there?
These are the sick, twisted thoughts that run through my mind, embarrassing and shameful for me to admit. To the average person this seems ridiculous. How can I explain that I just need sexual gratification? When I’m in the moment, I don’t care about anything except quelling the uncomfortable feelings of stress, anxiety, anger, loneliness, boredom, depression/rejection/fear/insecurity/shame/neglect/isolation/exhaustion/jealousy…
I turn to sex for comfort, specifically orgasms. In the space between arousal and orgasm exists a fleeting moment where time seems to stop, where reality ceases to exist. Every uncomfortable feeling drains from my body leaving pure, pristine euphoria in its wake. I strive to prolong it. For that fleeting moment I am outside myself. The pain and chaos in my head is replaced with peace, tranquility, and calmness. However, it comes at a price. Afterwards I’m filled with shame, regret, and self-loathing.
That night I sought my place of comfort to calm my racing mind. So I wrote up “game” rules to send later with my homemade porn to distract me from what I was really feeling — anxious and overwhelmed. But something stopped me.
In recovery I learned to sit with my feelings without acting impulsively. Feelings are just energy; they flow and eventually move or shift form. After a couple of days my desire to follow through disappeared completely, and I saw how destructive it would have been to the core of my being.
Just like that I narrowly escaped one more downward spiral of depression and self-loathing where ending my life would seem like the easiest way to end my pain. And that one guy… will never know how close to lucky he ever came.