I need to sleep *cough*

3:58am

What is this, six days running? It’s at least five for sure.

Frustrated, on the one hand.

On the other, I feel like I’m doing a better job managing. I’ve had a morning meeting, and made it — despite waking up early (in the middle of the night) that morning. I’ve had a long morning hike, and made it.

And not just barely straggled through, but been fully present and engaged.

I can make it on five hours of sleep when otherwise rested. Five hours only for too many nights and that’s a problem. Six is completely fine for a night or two. At least the same hypo-mania that brings lack of sleep brings some energy to manage through the lack of sleep.

But I’m worn out from this lack of sleep. So definitely wishing for those days with more sleep.


This week has been more stressful. I’ve been having more caffeine/coffee. I don’t think those are the primary causes of this hypo-manic period. Though, as usual, I’m less than blind in knowing the cause (if there even is a cause).

I’m proud of myself for maintaining the activities that I need to stay healthy: diet, exercise, time to myself to think and relax. I know how I have sometimes let these slip, even while knowing how helpful they can be.

While my mania and its cause I cannot control. I can control activities that drive me to be healthier. And I’ve been doing those well. That’s within my locus of control, so that’s what I work with and accept the rest that I cannot change.


Beyond the things that push for unhappiness, other things push me towards happiness. I want to think about those more and monitor them more closely. My goal isn’t just to reduce or manage things that make me unhappy[1] and end up “normal” or “fine”, but to get to be healthier and happier in general.

Sometimes there are efforts, projects, work, or plans that can represent and bring about that better future. I’ve had more of that in my life recently and will be more conscious of seeking out more of those and cultivating those that I have. I’m not really sure the best ways to do this.

My current focus is on something I’ve been promising myself for quite some time. Explicitly for about a year, implicitly much longer[2] . Also, it is a really good thing to focus on that has been drawing me forward. Imagining a better world and life.

It has also been something that was calling for a lot of good effort and learning from me. So it is beneficial in that way as well: the joy of learning and the satisfaction of being challenged.



[1] I’m using “unhappy” pretty loosely here. I’m thinking of things that cause me to be down, depress, unhappy, or just generally aren’t where I want my life to be. Not just things that make me unhappy in some small, fleeting way.

[2] “implicitly”: I’m thinking of GTD plans/stress and “internal commitments” that we make without thinking about them. They can stack up as internal stress or frustration when I feel we are falling short of this expectation that we have even though we haven’t actually made any formal commitment to accomplishing something.


Photo Credit: micagoto


Originally (and longer version) published at diaryofacyclo.com on August 22, 2016.