I said goodbye
I recently acknowledged the death of a relationship. An actual death in terms of never getting back what once was in my perceived reality. The death in reality is because the way things were perceived, not how things really were. I am happy to report… arghh I hate those words because I am not happy. I have to say its real and truly gone, but I grieve, not for what was, but what could have been. When my Mother in law died it was the thoughts of “she will not be there for… weddings, births, reunions, birthdays, holidays, memories that are here and gone in the blink of an eye.”
Those were what I grieved. This relationship is different. I grieve what I had dreamed it would be in my head, heart, little girl fantasies. I thought as a new grandma, I would be able to dote and coo over this flesh and blood of my own being. i thought i would feel that special bond of energy that flows from one generation to another. I thought my child would be so happy to share this new love of their life. I thought i would be welcomed and seen as real family.
That was what I dreamed of, had been fed to believe was a given from the moment I was groomed to believe in fantasies. I realize now that it was just that, a hope, a fantasy of my own believing and the fatalistic signs were there from the beginning of this tumultuous relationship. That was not their intention. They had their own fantasies of how I would act, not act that were not happening, they had their own disappointed realities. They put the brakes on us this time and we both mutually killed a toxic, poisonous, and fatally flawed relationship. They wanted power and control. I would not release it. Coming to a head, was simply a by-product of all that had built before. It’s just that my grandmother-hood was killed also.
I am happy to report…. Yes, I am still not happy, but I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a long time. Freer ever since I realized that my fantasies were not everyone else’s reality. SO, I am free to not pretend that something stinks in the woodpile. I am free to not be judged, condemned and sentenced by those around me as not fixing this fast enough for the next holiday, when we must all pretend again. I am released to go my own way. I have removed the expectations and presence of discomfort and excuses. I am not there to be a participant in this sham.
Uggghhh! But, I hate it when those around do not understand. It is a cost of great sacrifice…. Where did that come from? Another fantasy. The cost was being extracted from me slowly, bit by bit, over the years and has cost me much more than exclusion from family gatherings. It has cost my own sense of reality. Always questioning myself. Did I do enough? Could I have been more understanding and kind? Was I really the monster they say I was? It has cost me my own sense of joy in being myself. I hid under the constant shaming that I was a difficult person. How dare I ask something like that? My bubbles burst leaving a mess all around me that I had to apologize for over and over again. I am a bubbly and encouraging person who thinks the best of others, but I become harsh and critical when cornered. When shamed and attacked, I turn into a cornered opossum. I hate that I do that, but being judged and censored for everything said and unsaid can make one feel like that. Being who I truly am and being allowed that privilege should not be taken lightly. It comes from those who are being genuine with you. Therefore, you can be genuine with them.
I grieve today but am open for tomorrow. The world is a spiritual world. All things that we think, feel are energy that goes somewhere. Its like the matter principle, it can not be created but can be neutralized, shared or have more impact by building upon itself. Holding onto bitterness, envy, regret, petty spitefulness, rudeness and isolation only brings the same kinds of negative debilitating power. Its time for me to let go of all these things and be open to a new understanding of reality. I am able to finally see what is before me, possibilities, rather than unrealistic fantasy.
I am thankful I was given a gift last week. One of truth. One of genuine understanding of my reality. That the relationship has been dead for many years. I can now be open to a different one in the future if they so choose. One that is not built on lies and pretending, but on mutual respect and friendship. Even simple tolerance would be okay with me. On that is how most good relationships have a true beginning.
